i'm getting married this summer. seems weird to even speak those words. i have been single for years now and never saw myself getting married again. i like being single. it took longer than it should have but i have grown accustomed to being alone. i fell in love accidently. i do not need to get married.

but i want to.

relationships have a way of molding a person. i have spent an inordinate amount of time analyzing how my relationships have altered my perception of myself, be that in a positive or negative fashion. anyone who knows me understands how much i struggled with self-esteem most of my adult life. it seemed i had a need to be affirmed by one person, a need for affection and intimacy. when that was not reciprocated it left me needy. add to this the fact that most of us live with varied relational expectations. expectations that i have failed to live up to. it is hard to live one's life believing another is constantly disappointed. it can leave you co-dependent or bitter or people pleasing.

as i head into another adventure in my life i have pondered again what it means to live with someone else. i am keenly aware that all relationships come with expectations. i am quite sure i will not always measure up. but no longer do i wish to live my life in the hopes that i can find my fulfillment in another person. i no longer have a desire to hang my hopes on whether or not i am appoved of, on a given day. i hope i can live my life in such a way as to not be needy, not be draining, not find my value in the whims of another.

it leaves me with this thought. why is it that we seek so often to mold others to our own likeness? why is it that we are so consistently disappointed in others? i have told annette that i am no longer interested in playing the insecurity game. i will not pretend to be one thing and live a secret life on the side. i will not live in the shadow of disappointment. i am who i am... period. i will try my best to love sacrificially and give consistently but i will not pretend i can be other than i am.

and i desperately hope that i will be a person who does love without agenda.

that those who feel my affection will not have to perform; will not have to be something other than what they are. that my wife does not feel the need to impress me or earn anything.
that love is freely given.
that there are fewer and fewer expectations.
i am tired of those who put strings on their approval. i do not want to be such a person.

it reminded me today of an old marvin gaye song. and it reminded me of ruth graham one more time. when asked about billy's shortcomings she commented, "it's my job to love billy. it's god's job to change him."

amen.

Piece of Clay - Marvin Gaye

Father stop
Criticizing your son
Mother please
Leave your daughters alone
Don't you see that's what wrong
With the world today
Everybody wants somebody
To be their own piece of clay

Everybody wants somebody
To be their own piece of clay
We all talked about Candice
But it's only only a word
Brother turned on a sister
In this cruel cruel world today
That's what's wrong
With all in this world today
Everybody wants somebody
To be their own piece of clay

Somebody to play with
Wanna mold you, mold you
Shaker your love baby
Wanna do their thing
Children are told
To give not just to take
If we were all children
You know the world
Will be a better place
Everybody wants somebody
To be their own piece of clay