the ted haggard affair has brought to the forefront, for what seems like the hundredth time, the sick underbelly of religious life. people are shocked to find out that he has had a secret second life, one which seems so inconsistent with the outward message. they wonder how a guy like haggard could maintain a facade for so long, all the while committing the most grievous acts.

we all have.

sometime in our lives many of us, especially the men, have lived with a secret sick underbelly. almost all guys have secreted pornography, or battled lust, or had a hidden addiction, or a deep resentment that they pretended didn't exist. we have been guilty of saying one thing and doing another. i love what tony campolo said about another prominent minister who blew it - 'the only difference between him and us is that he got caught'. how true.

people are shocked and dismayed at haggard. they wonder if what he did negated all he believed and preached. they have called him a hypocrite. a deceiver. a pervert.

haggard was human. like all of us he battled the dragon deep within that threatened to destroy his best intentions. he probably wanted nothing more than to live a life of integrity, he just couldn't win the battle with the beast. if we took a minute to breathe and think, we too might find that we can relate more than we care to admit.

for years i battled drug addiction. i did not want to do cocaine. i hated myself for doing it. i wanted nothing more than to be able to be free. but i could not win. i remember the day it came to a head - i was preaching a sermon stoned. it was only 10 o'clock in the morning. i was talking about holiness. picture that.

the problem is that pastors and other leaders have no one to talk to. people say they will not judge but often that is not the case. they are a part of a sick system that elevates certain people, builds expectations, and demands unrealistic things. i had no one i could trust, except my drug dealer and a few of his stripper friends. chances are haggard had no one either.

it is easy to prescribe little fixes that would or would not have worked. it is not hard to admonish pastors and leaders not to travel alone or stay in a hotel alone or be accountable or marry a hot wife so you don't turn gay. it is another thing to master the beast within. it may take you farther than you want to go and ask for more than you can give.

look around. most of the pastors you know have a dirty little secret. chances are they have no one they can trust either. chances are you don't either.