i'm not cool. it is somewhat hard for me to admit but recently i have come to realize i'm officially not there anymore. i have children who can out cool me without trying, i only last week found out who "mama ga ga" is, i think twitter is inane, and frankly, though i have a hot wife, i'm pretty sure she settled.

self realization is hard. but as a long time benefactor of the 12 step movement i realize that admitting i have a problem is the first step to recovery... or in this case.... acceptance.

though it may initially sound trite, it is deadly serious if you know me. for 20 years i pastored with the subconscious understanding that cool was the most important thing. being perceived as cool was what defined me, drove my ego, and dictated my directions. it was all important to be perceived as the maverick, the marginal, the innovator. i wore my cool like a badge of honor. i got the right peircings, the correct amount of facial hair, the right clothes and swore the ascribed amount of times per conversation. i drank when it was still vanguard for pastors to imbibe. i pissed people off just to see how they would respond (one thing i'm probably not going to give up). i used phrases like "pissed people off just to see how they would respond". it's tough to admit but so very true. being thought of as a cool person was always more important than being thought of as a spiritual person. it defined my career, my goals, my relationships.

perhaps that is why it drives me crazy when i see it in other, younger pastors and leaders. when i watch them dress to kill, say the right things, spend much more time on form than substance it harkens back to my own immaturity. i am quick to take shots at young pastors and leaders who spend way way way too much time on their stupid dreadlocks (which i would kill for) while on their book tour or speaking circuit. i hate watching the 2o or 30 something pastor strut and ooze confidence while introducing me to his pseudo hot, far too self-absorbed wife. i hate lip rings and nose rings, not because they aren't cool, but because i immediately assume they got them for the wrong reason.

the problem is me.

the things we despise in others is often a reflection of what we hate about ourselves. so while i watch other fresh recruits go down the same road i have wandered it's good for me to remind myself that they are just imitating people like me (god forbid) and pressured by the same middle class conformism that i have been.

and while i do that i'll try to stammer out the words.... 'i'm not cool... i'm not cool'. fake it til you make it.