it's a recession for the restaurant industry and i happen to own a new restaurant.

it is tempting to become frantic. bills pile up. people need to be paid. we have no sponsoring agency, no denomination to bail us out, no corporate deferment plan. we also have, by necessity, chosen to open an indy restaurant (not indian, indy) because we don't have a ton of money to pump into branding and advertisement.

it's easy to get frantic. you can feel the noose tightening and there is a tendency to shotgun any advertisement, any gimmick, to hopefully turn the corner. it's not that we are going to close anytime soon, but you can feel the frantic energy of desperation as you watch the cattle line up at tim hortons for coffee that is crap and the same price as you sell it for. maybe if we made our muffins in toronto and shipped them out...

this is a feeling i am familiar with. as a full time pastor for years i was guilty of gimmicks and desperation ploys. i would admit publicly that i would stand on my head and spit nickels if it could get people to church. i grew up, after all, in the church growth movement. nobody wants to admit it but for the past 30 or so years numbers were all that mattered. every year at general conference they never paraded the stagnant churches up to the front to speak and be recognized. the church has been so performance driven, so in love with success. that is why when it goes bad, it really goes bad. there is a recession of attendance, of momentum. people begin to leave. there is this insatiable drive to do something, do anything, to keep people coming through the doors. so much of our ego is tied up in success. we jump from methodology to flavor of the month, attend 'how-to' conference at american mega-churches, frantically taking notes and trying to hedge our bets. we fudged the numbers and exaggerated the roles. all in the name of god.

i am unapologetic with regard to the restaurant. the goal is to be big, bloated and wealthy. why else would i kill myself 70 or 80 hours a week cooking and scrubbing pots? in order to pay for the kids in haiti and send beau overseas and feed the homeless we need cash and lots of it. when people eat at the restaurant they don't know it but they are supporting our orphanage. some days it makes me bitter as to why more church people don't come in, but that's another rant.

it's january in the wilderness. i am watching a few local churches in the throws of frantic desperation. they are no longer the 'new kid on the block'. numbers are down. momentum is non-existent. there is a hunger in the leadership - this desperate need to be successful, to grow, to compete. they can see the dwindling attendance and the fear, the frustration drives them to do whatever it takes. at any cost.

i go to the club. without a doubt the club is the least likely to succeed pseudo religious gathering in my town. the need for numbers and growth and budgets, elders and statistics have long been abandoned. what is left is a small group of people who understand how insignificant they are in the political universe. i feel bad for those still driven to succeed, to report a decent growth. they have 70 thousand dollar salaries to pay, buildings to rent or pay off, support staff to provide for. there is a wealth of infrastructure to contend with. i have been there. theirs is a life that i have long since abandoned, but still feel the temptation to compete with. a very powerful temptation.

people say i am hard on the church. perhaps it's true. what most people don't know is that i still love church. i still love my last church and the one before that and the one before that. i, however, have the luxury of standing outside the fray. so much of church life is ridiculous, incestuous, schizophrenic. but there still remains that which i have given so much of my life to support. so much good. so many good people. i have fewer answers than i used to have but i remain committed to touching a world that has given up on sunday morning seeker services and church people. i am not sure of all the answers but i believe there is still a place in this world for unique, not rehashed, forms of expression and love. i intend to find out what those forms are.

but gone are the days when i will allow my heart to be ripped out by the need to succeed on the wrong terms.