I came across a sermon by Tony Campolo, who in the height of all the scandal around Jim Bakker, famous television evangelist, when he had been caught in the midst of a number of lies and cheating, Tony Campolo stood in front of a congregation and said, “Really the only difference between me and Jim Bakker is that I didn’t get caught.” That struck me. I wondered how many people do we look down upon from some place of moral superiority when in truth the only difference between them and us is that our sins have been well hidden.

In the play, A Raisin in the Sun, the young man comes home to see his family after he has lost all the money that would give them a future, destroyed all their hopes. His sister, Beneatha, calls him every despicable name imaginable. After she curses out her brother, the mother speaks and says, "I thought I told you to forgive him."
"Forgive him? There's nothing left to forgive."
"There is always something left to love," says the mother. "And if you haven't learned that, you haven't learned anything. When do you think it's time to love and forgive somebody? When they've done good? When they've made you proud? Well, that's not the time at all. The time to love somebody is when he's at his lowest because the world's done whipped him so."

"Then the journey began. I'm learning that all these things I have held as truth are really lies. God has put some amazing people in my life to remind me that I am loved and beautiful. It's a slow process though. At times it seems like I take one step forward and two steps back. "
link

"...when i confronted my ex about the affair he laughed in my face and told me that if i was stupid enough to forgive him, and trust him again, what did i expect. "you're a fool" was one of the nicest things he said to me."
link

someone asked me yesterday if i loved them unconditionally...
link

I have lived my life to please others. Generally I do a pretty crappy job of it but it’s been my marching orders for most of my life. Conform...
Take for example-- marriage - as I talk to couples, as I learn about myself, one thing is evident to me: most of us aren’t allowed to be who we really are. We conform. Some of you are in marriages where you aren’t allowed to be yourself. Your spouse doesn’t know who you really are… in order to keep the peace, or because you cannot feel acceptance unless you jump through the hoops, you conform. for years many of us have lived like this - with a deep-seated awareness that you are not accepted for who you are.
The list of subtle expectations have beaten you down.
You have dreams you have given up.
You have strengths you hide.
You have passions that will never be realized.
It’s a trap.
You need to be something, you think, to keep your spouse happy but somewhere along the line you lost who you were.
It’s a trap.
Some of us live our lives to make sure everyone around us are happy. We think nothing of putting aside your own needs, your own desires, so that everyone will be happy. Except you. You convince yourself that you are doing what is best for everyone. Everyone except for you that is. You tell yourself that doesn’t matter.
But you are wrong.
God created you an original. But you are forced to be a copy.
Remember your inner child? Sometimes under the threat of alcohol, or when you are with a few select friends, sometimes when you are alone, that kid comes out. But not very often. Your school mates, your family and work, your friends, want you to be something – so you are. I have friends who apologize for me to other friends. I have loved ones who are embarrassed by me and so they need to explain me to potential contacts before they meet me. it hurts, but they explain it as a necessity, they want others to accept you as they do, driving your insecurities deeper.
Many of us get the distinct feeling that our friends don’t really like us – the real us. If you ever let your guard down, if that inner child ever pokes it’s head out --- you know they won’t like you anymore. And for some of them, maybe that’s actually true. You have hoops to jump through to be accepted – to be loved – or to be included.
people's opinions own you.

to forgive oneself. the real issue.

i have a good friend who tells me, "you don't need to criticize me, i'm good enough at that myself." it's true for most of us - we are our own worst enemy. we constantly play the tape of our past failures, usually without any sense of objectivity. we fall victim to a bizarre set of beliefs - our own unworthiness, mixed with a sense of self-loathing, add a modicum of narcissism and shake till ready.

i have alot of regrets in life. it's a part of where i am in the journey. there are people i love and have hurt. there are circumstances that i handled very poorly. i have often thought about the childhood dream of taking a time machine back to undo some of the wrongs, only to realize that many of the supposed wrongs i would desire to make right are those i have inflicted upon myself or others. but that is only a childish fantasy and the people and situations we have harmed may not ever be resolved like they are on television. i have years of regret and shame about some situations that i may not be able to 'fix'. whatever someone holds against me, i probably hold more. forgiving yourself.

last week one of friends rocked my world. we were talking, and as with so many situations in my past life, i was feeling sorry for myself with regard to a past relationship that had ended badly. i knew, i knew that i was ok with it now. i tried to tell this to my friend only to have them look across at me and ask, "so when are you going to forgive?" it was obvious to me that this person had no idea what they were talking about. there was nothing to forgive.

i went home that night and as i crawled into bed i heard their voice and that question again. and i realized i was angry, very angry. there was pain and loss and regret and anger, all of which i had effectively stuffed into my bubble, hoping never again to have to acknowledge. i had layers of personal regret, little understanding that i also possess an angry and bitter heart.

'so when are you going to forgive' it's a question that still haunts me. i am endeavoring to understand and accept the fact that i am a hurt child - to not grow bitter or self-deceiving, yet not overly hard on myself and self-destructive. it is a dangerous dance.

i need forgiveness. we all do. forgiveness from past slights and hurts. forgiveness for obvious wrongs and unconfessed sin. forgiveness from our own sick self-depracating internal guilt machines that don't want to let us go. forgiveness.

"There are people in your life who've come and gone.
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride.
Better put it all behind you babe, cause life goes on.
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."

been working, thinking and praying about forgiveness this week - this song comes to mind...

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear, but I knew that it would come.
An old, true friend of ours was talking on the phone, she said you found someone.
And I thought of all the bad luck and the struggles we went through
and how I lost me and you lost you.
What are these voices outside love's open door?
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now but I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness,
even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

These times are so uncertain, there's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage.
We all need a little tenderness, how can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness,
they're the very things we kill, I guess.
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
and the work I put between us, you know it doesn't keep me warm.

I'm learning to live without you now but I miss you, baby.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

There are people in your life who've come and gone.
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride.
Better put it all behind you babe, cause life goes on.
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness,
even if, even if you don't love me.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
so I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me.

............................don henley

it's hard to forgive. the ghosts of the past continue to haunt our memories and many of us have a fairly complete set of tapes when it comes to past slights. this isn't even mentioning the inability that we see in many of those we love to embrace authentic change. time and again people disappoint us. time and again we secretly harbour the feeling that God has disappointed us too. it's hard to forgive.

it's easy to hold a grudge. to give the ghosts full sway and revel in fact that that certain person will never "get it", will never change, will never repair the damage they have done. it's a simple thing to become bitter. it's a hard thing to forgive.

i disappoint many people. unlike many of my friends, though, i get the opportunity to find out in panoramic view, usually from a third or fourth or hundredth party, how i fail. some of us live our lives in a fishbowl. it's a choice i have made, others have made too, and it comes with the territory. i'm not complaining, in many ways its an amazing life. but its a reality - i'm a controversial personality, not for everyone, and i tend to be very good at pissing people off. when you know people are disappointed in you it is easy to bail, run or get depressed. we've all been there.

..but today i am thankful that God loves me. i'm starting to understand in my heart that it's true. for years i believed it intellectually, now it's starting to take hold in my heart, after 18 years of religious employment.

and i'm thankful for my friends. my buddy brander is fond of saying that real friends don't need you, they want you. anything else is not friendship, it's codependence. it's a wonderful thing to be wanted. it is humbling, embarrassing, affirming and freeing. like many of you i have pursued relationships that were very one-sided. i have some 'friends' who feel they have to apologize to others for me. i have relationships where i feel like an inconvenience - where if i did not pursue it would cease to be. i have many many aquaintances. we all have friends like these.

but i am also thankful that i have friends who don't need me. it's hard to admit it, but they tell me they love me... period. it is hard to accept that kind of love in a world where best friends and lifelong acquaintances are lined up to walk away. like most of us, i too have had deep personal relationships that ended with their being "disappointed" in me, unwilling to love me for who i am, or where their love was frought with conditions. it's a tale as old as time.

we all struggle to be loved. we hold onto the disappointments and failed attempts and let them poison our souls. we remember, like it was yesterday, those phone calls or emails where people we cared deeply for told us we were not worthy of their love. i have a list. you might too.

but every now and then a person comes along who can't be pushed away. a person who isn't interested in your performance or what they will get out of the relationship. they just love you. they are rare people who remind us that we have value, worth. they show us God's love in a way we can grasp. they are Jesus to us.

we all fantasize about a friend like that. i have known a few. i am privileged.
but to become a person like that...

i love the river. most of my most memorable moments include the water. i spent a summer as a canoe guide, 11 weeks on the river. it was amazing. before my life took a 180 i used to spend most tuesday afternoons at the chahalis river, usually with my lawnchair in the freezing water, reading, journalling, praying and dreaming. it's a custom i intend to reclaim before too much more time passes.

i went to the river on friday - for a different reason. as many of my friends know i have been receiving some significant healing in my life for the past 28 days and it was time to let some stuff go. the badges of honor that i held dear still continued to hold dominion over my heart and my motives. it was time for me to baptize them.

i took several things with me to the river. a friend waited patiently while i spent some time alone with my idols, then hugged me when i was able to let go. i wish i could say it was the end of the story, but at least it was a beginning. i hesitate to even write about this and don't really want any pity or platitudes. i decided to put it to pen for those of you who may someday find yourself at the side of a river too, or by a fireplace, or on a bridge somewhere with an overwhelming urge to let some stuff go.

we all struggle to be human. i have spent 4 years trying to hide from hurt and pain while at the same time trying to bury myself in misery and wear my grief like a trophy. friday, after all this time, it just seemed like i was finally ready to move ahead.

i wish i could believe with certainty that i am completely healed... but it's a process. i no longer have a desire to make such a grandeous claim - it just seems ridiculous to assume. i do know, though, that something has changed inside. it's like my heart has woken up after a long sleep - and frankly i'm not quite sure yet how to cope with it. i find myself doing ridiculously silly things for no apparent reason like getting into a mall-wide ultimate fighting challenge with my son as we run down the aisles punching each other...

i miss my old life. i miss my old love, but there comes a time when i need to learn to laugh and love again, play and breathe the fresh air. there comes a time when you need to free those past lives to dream their own dreams. i honestly have no real desire to say goodbye to that life, but i do have a desire to say hello to hope... and maybe even happiness.

one day at a time.

"I remember reading an article in a magazine years ago about the trama a woman faced following a complete mastectomy. She was horrified by the image reflected in the mirror... could not get past the damage done. She had taken to changing her clothes in the bathroom, behind a locked door, so her young children couldn't see her new form. One day her little girl knocked on the door... she wanted to come in. After a long pause, the woman opened the door..."

read the rest of this amazing post here.

"Think about it. In America, people can afford $90.00 a month (approx. 130 CDN) on the convenience of espresso drinks. i'd bet the average suburban person drinks two or three espresso drinks a week. That is at least $30.00 a month depending on your drink. My friends spend an average of $30- 45 dollars a month. (i just overheard a barista say that one gentleman comes in three to four times a day.)
Just think of what a large group of us could do if we fasted one or two drinks a week and used that money to help the less fortunate."
link

link

"...And I am humbled, in gratitude, to the one truly lopsided relationship in my life. Despite the fact that I regularly disappoint, and am too often neglectful, He is ready to forgive.For I am convinced that
neither death not life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"Romans 8:38-39.
No Edges."
link

... sweet....

from jame's blog:
"What does "dance" mean to me I have been thinking about what "dance" means to me lately. I think it is more about just doing something, instead of thinking about it and chickening out because of what I think people will think. To do something that I would not normally do. For me anyway..."

link

i have a new default mode. in every situation lately i have assumed that every single person is at some level self-loathing. every person struggles with a healthy self image. every person thinks of themselves as ugly, sexually unattractive, and not worthy of love. every person.

i could be wrong, but i doubt it. the ugliness inside of this generation is overwhelming. and we are in the process of passing down that inheritance to the next generations. my children think of themselves as ugly inside too. they know what it is like to struggle to fit in. they understand that there is a pecking order. the drive to fit in, measure up and stick out is extreme.

it's time we let the cat out of the bag. yesterday, at a pastor's meeting i got up and spouted off about this very subject... literally preached at my peers, totally over the top, i'm not sure what got into me.

this is the end of my series on our fallen hearts. it's been a personal journey that has hopefully sparked many hearts. i've read many blogs that have tweaked on some of the things that have been said, comments that have been made, hearts that have been laid bare. many of you have taken the journey with me - biscotti, deb, rose, shannon, teri, susan, brander, annette, rick and george, jordon and michelle, james and sushi, many others. together we asked some hard questions and felt the hand of God. it's been transformational for me - i've experienced some huge healing and as a result of the prayers and love of many i've known some good. days. people like brander and annette have called me into account, they have a huge "crap detector" and i hate them...

i've learned alot about god, myself and my self-worth. i've come to understand that this is the biggest battle in my life, in many lives. we are generations of self-deprecating, insecure emotional children that really have no idea how to be loved. no idea. it's a sickness that isn't going away. for some reason i still can only partially believe even the words i right. we use percentages among some of my friends - do you believe i love you 40%? 42%?

there is a long road ahead. every day i wrestle to accept my own worth but the fear of arrogance and the corresponding insecurity both wrestle in my psychie for free reign. it's hard to be loved. we have been told for a whole lifetime that we don't matter and a month of healing isn't necessarily going to fix us. it's going to be a journey, like most things around here. a journey into unsecurity, into freedom. it's a fight i do not intend to lose. already the criticism of what is happening is mounting, i am convinced that as freedom reigns we will marginalize and piss off some. the legalists will roar but frankly i could care less. church numbers are meaningless to me anymore and if we have to preach a few people into others churches to allow freedom to reign, bring it on.

it won't be something we do. it won't mean dancing on the outside or speaking in tongues or flying off the handle. it won't matter what you wear. but someday... we need to be free. we need to be free. it's a bugle call to our community. it's a dream that always seems to be on the edge of happening. on sunday i told brander i was actually scared. i stood on the side of the stage and knew a dam was breaking in my heart. but bring it on. i'm tired of intellectual dead faith, sick of wondering if i'm loved. done with second-guessing what God wants to do. so tired of religion.

bring it on god... i'm insecure but willing.

I want to tear down the wall of self hate ...

So on Sunday when I got up on that stage and danced… it was incredibly freeing. It was not just a spiritual high, it was a fulfilled longing I’ve had in my heart to just let go and dance.

link

i have been brought to my knees... to hear that you hurt someone you love is different than actually physically feeling it in the pit of your stomach, to ache physically in your heart, to crumple in the stark reality of intrinsically knowing the pain you have caused is most revealing about oneself as to the selfish nature of narcissistic living... this is how i had lived my life...

read the whole post here.

i really appreciated lori's comments on a previous post with regard to the "dance" and think lori is on to something. if we define our experience with God in terms of any "act" we are in total danger. i also agree with the larger context that i hope to define this sunday as "the dance of the heart". nothing external, nothing showy, nothing forced. the freedom to be who you are and delight in god's love for you. excellent excellent clarification, thanks.

"She held me and told me that I was not only beautiful on the outside but also on the inside... She told me how special I really was. It was Scott's entire sermon that we were back stage hugging and crying... I really needed to hear what she said to me... I needed to hear that more than I thought I needed to..."

link

"he came and embraced susan and I in a big hug.... that's a big step for him, he has never been the one to start a hug..."

i used to be a hugger, touchy feelie kind of guy. a couple years ago it became easier though to lock down that part of my personality, easier not to feel... hummm.

read shannon's observation about our meeting here.

"I don't usually feel this accepting of "dancers" as I term them. But from the moment I met Coreen I felt the peace when she stood beside me. Her life is far from peaceful in its humanity and finiteness, but when she dances...oh it's a thing of beauty.During Audience of One she inspired me. No, she touched me. She was wearing purple, the colour of royalty. She had a purple veil in her hands. At one point she let the veil wash over her, and as it blanketed her face she swept herself through it. And I suddenly saw what she was. The Bride of Christ. She was one with Him and He was one with her. Unity. Longing. Desire. Security. Rest. She was there."

read the whole post here.

i wear a badge of honor. i have convinced myself it is for noble reasons, that it defines my value. it's important to me. in many ways it owns me.

i took it off today.

i gave it to a friend for safe keeping then walked away, away to insecurity and dread. fear of misinterpretation, alarmed at how much of a hold it has on me.

for years i have told myself it's to serve as an example. it's a testimony to my integrity. but i'm a poser. it's a security blanket that helps me twist my reality. it's narcissistic. it's self-absorbed. it's a lie.

i want it back...

who am I?
today at church four of us (don't worry suzy, annette, and shannon, i won't mention your names) joined coreen in a little more freedom. we danced on stage while the band played. after church i was talking to people, and jokingly made a comment about being amazed that they would be seen with me after the spectacle i had made of myself. the amazement really and truly began when they (and others around us who had heard the comment) let me know exactly what they thought. apparently i inspire them. not to dance on stage, but to be a little more free about themselves.for the past couple of weeks so many bloggers have been talking about removing masks, being free to be yourself, and having joy while doing it. reading these have been hard. i have spent a lot of time crying. and today was no different. i cried during the sermon (actually a few of us had a group hug and cry back stage). while crying we were talking about moving forward, not back. letting more of the real person inside come out.i often tell people "this is me, if you don't like it, oh well". now i'm trying to find me. i don't know how much of the real me i have shown to people over the years. i'm scared.........what if, never mind others, i don't like the real me? what then?i'm sure this will not be easy, i don't want this journey to end. but i'm tired of circling the same block. it's time to hit the highway for a long journey. hopefully a few friends will join me for the roadtrip.

the mistress of darkness is finally joining the cult!

incredibly powerful flash via thin spaces.

from shannon:

"it felt for so long, like we were all walking alone, without anyone to lean on... believe me i've been proven wrong...."

read the whole post here.

from annette's blog (pastor in hiding):
The journey of abandoning the past and walking to the Son. The journey isn't easy. It's not "stable". It's not "safe". It's not predictable. It scares the heck out of many of us. But the journey has begun. We all face a choice fo whether to press on or to turn back in fear. To rely on our old ways. To rely on our own selves. God honours us and loves us no matter what the decision. But He waits for us on the journey."

A woman visiting in Switzerland came to a sheepfold on one of her daily walks. Venturing in, she saw the shepherd seated on the ground with his flock around him. Nearby, on a pile of straw lay a single sheep, which seemed to be suffering. Looking closely, the woman saw that its leg was broken. Her sympathy went out to the suffering sheep, and she looked up inquiringly to the shepherd as she asked how it happened. "I broke it myself," said the shepherd sadly and then explained, "Of all the sheep in my flock, this was the most wayward. It would not obey y voice and would not follow when I was leading the flock. On more than one occasion, it wandered to the edge of a perilous cliff. And not only was it disobedient itself, but it was leading other sheep astray. "Based on my experience with this kind of sheep, I knew I had no choice, so I broke its leg. The next day I took food and it tried to bite me. After letting it lie alone for a couple of days, I went back and it not only eagerly took the food, but licked my hand and showed every sign of submission and affection. "And now, let me say this. When this sheep is well, it will be a model sheep of my entire flock. No sheep will hear my voice so quickly nor follow so closely. Instead of leading the others away, it will be an example of devotion and obedient. In short, a complete change will come into the life of this wayward sheep. It will have learned obedience through its sufferings."

God has broken my leg. I walk with a limp. Sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively.

I had cancer in my knee last year… they ripped my knee apart and removed every piece of cartilage. Your knee is no good without it. After dancing around tomorrow morning I’ll probably limp for a day or two. It sucks. I hate it. I can’t run anymore. I can’t do some of the things I did before. It’s changed me.

My heart walks with a limp too. God has broken my leg. It’s changed me. I learn everything the hard way. I don’t run in some ways like I used to. I can’t do some of the things I did before.

i am still a child, a kid at heart - but the problems and stresses of pretending to be an adult deaden my soul. i have become acutely aware that a part of my heart has died. and it's tempting to let the deadness have free reign. it's my choice, and that sometimes really sucks.
I have had to learn to dance again… but I crashed on Friday a bit. I forgot what I had and began to focus again on what I didn’t have. I stopped dancing and started down a road I am very familiar with. The road of self-pity. It’s a dark road. I’ve set up camp there literally for years at a time. Years.
"many days... many days, i pride myself on my misery. i wear it like a badge of honor and the only times i fly are in the secret moments that none of you will ever know. it's quite sad, really."

But then I remembered that I was loved. And I said it over and over again till I believed it… again. And it changed me.

i'm setting up the studio office for the first nations listening conference that kicks off in a few minutes. some wanted to rent a professional looking facility, something swave, to give the event an air of professionalism.
... i guess none of the organizers expected to have that homeless lady sleeping on the couch at the entrance...

from george's blog:
"what saddens me the most isn't my own struggles with love and being loved; it's been some of the church's response to this basic human need. i think jesus recognized this need of ours...after all, it was his desire that we share an intimacy and mutually strengthening relationship with each other, even as he had with his father. why did the religious and secular authorities have such a vested interest in keeping that need from being fulfilled?
perhaps it was (and is) because of their own brokeness. their own fear that such a thing is not truly possible for themselves, and so they seek to deny it for anyone else...relationships that are not based on heirarchy, control and power, but on opening ourselves fully to the majesty and glory of another...and in the process seeing our own majesty, worth and loveliness. i really, honestly believe that this is the essence of the kingdom."

The Perfect Cup
it is time for me
to see the flaws
of myself
and stop
being alarmed
it is time for me
to halt my drive
for perfection
and to accept my blemishes
it is time for me
to receive
slowly evolving growth
the kind that comes
in God's own good time
and pays no heed to my panicky pushing
it is time for me
to embrace
my humanness
to love
my incompleteness
it is time for me
to cherish
the unwanted
to welcome
the unknown
to treasure
the unfulfilled
if I wait to be
perfect
before I love myself
I will always be unsatisfied
and ungrateful
if I wait until
all the flaws, chips,
and cracks disappear
I will be the cup
that stands on the shelf
and is never used
--- Joyce Rupp

stolen from here.

my buddy shannon has joined the insanity. so has our soon to be world traveller teri. and the mother of the world's cutest baby payton - michelle. oh ya, and cutie pie melody.

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks -- masks that I am afraid to take off; and none of them are me.Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled. For my sake, don't be fooled. I give the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water is calm and I am in command; and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever varying and ever concealing mask.
link

from annette, our preacher in hiding:
"I don't where this is going next for me...for all of us. I'm don't want to live in the dung. I never knew I even was until this last couple of weeks. Especially this week. I don't know what is going to happen next in this journey. You don't know what's going to happen next in yours. Maybe today you'll cry. Maybe you'll realize that you're beautiful, though your first impulse will be to deny it and review the reasons for your unworthiness. Maybe you'll open the box for a moment and then lock it tight. Please don't. Don't lie to yourself and say that living this will protect you. It will perpetuate your pain for years. It will mask in numbness, until it resurfaces again, bearing its teeth. And you may be successful in setting it aside again next time. But each time you lose a piece of yourself. Of the child God has made. The good, healthy child. The one who wants to live and love with abandon. Stop guarding your heart. You're squeezing the life out of it. Open your grasp. Let it go."

i have kinda fallen in love with biscotti brains blog lately. check it out, powerful stuff...

my yankee buddy from sumas, michelle, is blogging here!
welcome to the insanity...

people are starting to sway a bit. i'm reading it everywhere. it's beginning.

here.

read suzy's response to that question, and her desire to dance... here.

my good friend, sue schick is now blogging here!

this is the week of the dance. it's the dance of freedom. it's understanding we need to dance in the secret and vulnerable places of our lives. it's coming to grips with the fact that its one thing to dance alone, it's another to experience the freedom of the dance when we can be hurt.

i remember it well. we had a dance in hatzic one year. jason johnson was the dj and, as usual, i spent an inordinate amount of time watching the dance happen, but not participating. i loathe the idea of being noticed in areas where i am insecure. it bothers me when people have pointed out "how sweet it is to see the pastor on the dance floor." it's easier to be anonymous.

as usual the dance digressed eventually into cheese and like many dances of that era the song YMCA came up. i know the actions from a "hooray from hollywood" i once participated in. jason and i looked at each other; then in rather uncharacteristic fashion i jumped on the table and we led the entire room in the motions. it was a spectacle but for that brief moment i didn't care. as soon as it happened, it seemed to be over. and the night went on.

later the person whose opinion mattered cornered me and asked me what i was thinking. they hinted that i "made a spectacle of myself". in subtle ridicule the message got across. what was i thinking?

... it was the last time i ever danced.

(pictures of street church from carolyn at perspective photo)

         dance like nobodies watching...

last night at street church the dance floor was packed, the music was loud, and there was joy. in many ways it was an opportunity for release. i know myself that it has been tempting to guard my heart, my joy, and package it for easy delivery. it has been tempting to look from the outside in. to worry about what people say...
a dear friend told me that they wanted to dance, weren't there yet, but could see the mountain. i could believe for them that there would be a time when the freedom of grace would overwhelm the inherent fear and anxiety that we feel when we are vulnerable. i know that feeling. i am a spectator. i may lead the bands some nights, may sing and howl and smile, but inside i guard my emotions, lest they overcome my prudence.
sometimes you just need to dance as though no one is watching.
for all my extroversion i abhor sticking out in some situations. there is a desire to hide in the rafters and guard my heart instead of letting the freedom reign. to 'lay it all out' invites criticism. to love with abandon invites violation. i am relearning both.

there was a time when i did not worry about hurt, about embarrassment. many of us in our youth live with abandon. but somewhere along the way we begin to hedge our bets. we begin to pull in our childhood and relegate it to the back of our psychie. the fears and responsibilities, the maturity and the woes of life push themselves into our consciousness and we lose our childlikeness. we are moms, dads, employees. we have responsibilities. we are adults. and we forget to dance. we lose the rhythm of joy.

and every once in a while, maybe at a party or with very intimate friends, the child in us peeks it's head out, but only for a moment. we laugh or snort, we tease or fly with the jubilation we once knew. then we go home, or the phone rings, or someone inadvertantly makes a comment and we lock down our hearts until next time. next time. and the next times become further and further apart and we grow old, long before we age.

in our private lives we sing in the shower and dance when we are alone. we write poetry we will never share and dream dreams that will never come true. we laugh, we cry and we dream of a time when we were free.

as my friend and coworker susan said recently in a blog, we need to let this go too - this need to impress. this compulsion to be seen as 'all together'. we envy the crazy and secretly long for a knight in shining armour to wake us up from our slumber, slay the dragon and take us to the land of happy endings. but it is never going to happen. it probably won't. there are no princesses around the corner, no time machines to take us away. we will never be able to fly like in our dreaming world. and we grow old, long before we age.

little by little i am relearning that i am a child, a kid at heart. the cares and woes of this present world have subjugated my freedom and it is my choice whether or not the dragons get slayen, whether or not i will ever fly. it's my choice, and that sometimes really sucks.

many days... many days, i pride myself on my misery. i wear it like a badge of honor and the only times i fly are in the secret moments that none of you will ever know. it's quite sad, really.

someday you will dance like no one is watching. and even if they are it won't matter. someday you might sing, even out of tune. someday we plan to spread our wings and let the world be damned if the