i have been given a uniqe opportunity. few of us ever get it. i am on the outside looking in.

nine years ago i was part of a church planting team that started the church i now attend. i had started three other churches and eventually would move away to begin again, hearing only rarely how things went, the struggles that ensued upon my departure, the changes made. that is how it is done, after all, among clergy. you quit, you leave. it's an unbroken rule. but i broke that rule and as a result i have been learning more than i ever did in the pastorate.

it is a bizarre thing to melt into the furniture and watch how your work has played out. to see the results of your efforts as though you were a fly on the wall. it has been a humbling, exhilerating and enlightening experience.

a couple weeks ago a friend wanted to talk to me about the church. this is, of course, a conversation i have had hundreds of times; but this time it was different. we talked as equals, as attenders, as outsiders. he told me of his struggles as though i was just another fly on the wall. it was brutally honest and for the first time i didn't have to don my pastor's hat to filter and respond. i was no longer the pastor, just another volunteer. i learned more that day about ministry than i have in years.

there is so much i could write about this phenomenon. i watch the decisions i have made play themselves out in the lives of others that i no longer lead. i witness the failed attempts that i alone was responsible for. there is a different window open to me. i no longer attempt to explain or defend the policies that i was a part of, i only listen. listen to victories and frustrations, wins and losses. it's hard to put on paper the tangible and ethereal understandings i am experiencing, so i won't try to share too much at this point. suffice to say that many of my assumptions about people who attend church have been called into question.
i used to believe that many of the 'flock' were happier than i now know.
i did not realize how hard it was to work a job or two all week only to be berated for not being more involved in church life.
i now appreciate more people like my friend howard who drives equipment all week, coaches football, serves as a taxi service for his family, does domestic chores, sits on the board, and shows up relentlessly every freakin sunday morning at 7:15 to hump equipment... for years now.
i never realized how hard it could be to get up on a sunday morning.
i never knew how lazy many people think pastors are.
i never believed how unexciting the 'next best thing'in the church could be to the people who pay the bills.
i never admitted how hard it was to just be a part of the church body without sticking out.
i had a hard time believing how big a pedestal pastors sit on.

i'm learning alot lately. this fall or this winter i will be flinging my energy back into a new project and i hope i will not forget some of the things this break has afforded me. i will probably have to step back from church involvement even more for the next couple of months to ensure i am up to the task but i will still be watching.

it's been a unique opportunity.

a year older today. one day you are the bastian of cool (ok i'm pushing it) and the next day you are the oldest person in the room. in most rooms. it's weird. you don't feel any different but somehow when you look in the mirror a balding middle aged guy is staring back. who is this person?

birthdays are a time for reflection so i'm going to try to avoid it. i spend too much of my life in introspection, micromanaging my feelings and dreams. it all feels so self-serving today. inevitably when i spend too much time psychoanalysing myself i come away depressed. those competitive urges resurface and my need to be successful, younger, prettier, hairier (and conversely less hairy) rears it's ugly head. i am never successful enough or rich enough or loved enough. it's never enough. so why bother?

someday we all need to come to a place where we can give ourselves permission to live well. those of us who blog are probably more guilty than most of looking too closely at our own shortcomings. we are the first to admit our own faults and most of us are deeply insecure. we have a hard time being loved. no matter how many times people affirm us it is never enough.

so today i'm giving myself permission to have a good day. a simple day. in a few hours some friends from my old small group are stopping by. a close friend is cleaning my house as a gift rght now. it's a wonderful gift because it is done in love. i need to notice those gestures more. appreciate them more. nurture and celebrate them more.

so it's another year older. thank you to those of you who have loved me in spite of the fact that i never remember your birthday, have battled depression, have said and done unkind things. thank you for your love. for your patience. for not giving up on me even when i gave up on myself. i love you.

but don't think for a minute i'll remember your birthday. i still have jordon, wendy and mark's gifts from christmas at the end of the couch where the christmas tree was. i'm not even sure how much stamps cost right now. don't get me started...

Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. (ok i do that...)
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

been away, now i'm back. more to follow

i have been on a journey. to find myself. seems i just find out where i am at in this life then i forget where i put me. finding yourself is not a destination, it's a journey of self-discovery which inexplicably keeps changing. it's frustrating as hell. i have alluded to this search before, but am finding greater insight the further i march into oblivion.

a couple of weeks ago, while at the border, i was asked what i did for a living. i was not sure how to answer that. i have always been a minister. i wasn't a minister. i felt small for some reason. i felt insignificant. though i had publically touted that i wanted to seek anonymnity, when i finally found it i did not relish what it felt like. and i felt like much of my preaching over the past 18 years had been a sham.

how many times have i stood in front of hundreds of people and pontificated "no matter if you are a ditch digger or a cardinal, we are all the same." it was easy to say, as long as i was the cardinal and not the ditch digger. walk into any room and in a room full of equals you are more equal. always... you don't consciously feel it but somewhere down deep you know. you are significant. you are popular or infamous or special or more educated or well spoken or whatever; you just are more.

many people have asked me why i handed in my ordination when i decided to take a 'break'. in retrospect i still hold it was one of the best things i have ever done. it was an anchor to significance and a chain around my neck. though i intend on pursuing ministry again, i don't believe at this point that i will seek ordination. it's a personal stumbling block, i'm not speaking for any who find themselves ordained. it sets me apart in a ministry where i have, for years, endeavored to be an equal. it shows me to be different, special, arrived, an authority of sorts. something i sought after, trained and interviewed for, no longer holds much glitter in my heart. or maybe i say this because it really still does. i know my own propensity for desire.

this morning at coffee a good friend proposed to me that perhaps i am at a crossroads - an opportunity to distinguish myself by not distinguishing myself. to build my significance not on popularity but on something else. what that something else may be is easy to postulate... so i won't.

pics from new heights church in the park, including rob's dog sporting sunglasses here.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Viktor Frankl

from sushi's blog.

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. ~Adlai Stevenson, speech, Detroit, 1952

There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us. ~Laurence J. Peter

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you. ~A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture

Truth is a great flirt. ~Franz Liszt

Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from! ~John Eyberg

That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along. ~Madeleine L'Engle

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. ~Confucius

finally nearing the end of 'the rise and fall of the third reich'. on approximately page 1100. fascinating, easy read, i highly recommend it. one interesting note. refreshing to see another perspective on bonhoeffer. have read him and about him for so many years then i ran across a fairly scathing performance review in the book. very different perspective, placing one of his stupid moves as responsible for the deaths of co-conspirators. not trying to minimalize his contribution, just refreshing to read a different perspective.

inside I die every time knowing how people would really feel if they knew... knew my secret. So after running across an old photo of myself that reminded me of my folly, my guilt was re-ignited and I knew I needed to confess. So here it goes…I once had a mullet.
more tragic confession here.

According to a recent survey at Pastors.com; 54% of pastors said they have viewed porn in the past year. 54%.
sad blog here.

George W. Bush is not our Lord
So starts a great editorial in Christianity Today...
great article via jordon

i'm renoing my entire house these days. painting most major rooms, plumbing, tile, bathtubs and toilets, sinks and drywall. no sooner am i 95% done one project when i move on to another. i can't remember what it was like before i had the dump pulled apart. and it's never good enough.

it doesn't matter how many coats of paint i put on something, how many times i go over the grout, it's still not perfect. it's still an old house. it will never be a new house, no matter how meticulous i am. it doesn't help that i suck at renovations. tomorrow i have to tape the drywall. i'm already imagining the trauma.
and it's never good enough.

most people don't know this about me, but when it comes to projects, i'm an absolute perfectionist. i stood in the shower today and saw the flaws, not the finished project (there's a visual image for you). i look at the tile and see the imperfections, not the beauty. the paint is not perfect. tomorrow night i will finish mudding the drywall and i know already i will do a poor enough job... because it won't be perfect. it never is.

i am thankful that i am not a perfectionist by nature. it must be a horrible thing to see all of life, and every person, through the eyes of perfectionism. to see only the flaws in other people, the imperfections, the shortcomings... no way to live. we all fall short of the mark. i am thankful that those who love me choose to turn a blind eye to my many faults. i exaggerate, i procrastinate, i can be too lazy or too driven, i lie, i am physically very flawed, very flawed. and yet it is possible to see the good in my heart and my life if you try. it is therefore my choice to love with abandon or live with a growing awareness of the glaring defects of others. we all lie, we all steal, we all lust and cheat and gossip and fart and fall short of the person we want to be.

it must be a terrible thing to go through life looking for flaws.

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, "who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we were born to manifest the glory of god that is within us... and as we let our lwn light shine, we unconscously give other people permission to be the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automaticallyliberates others.

nelson mandela

I don't know how your theology works, but if Jesus has a choice between stained glass windows and feeding starving kids in Haiti , I have a feeling he'd choose the starving kids in Haiti." When I read this I thought to myself "How self centered am I!" I honestly can't believe how little I've done with my life.

read more from my 15 year old, ben.

some days stick out in your life. the day you had your first kiss, the first time you saw someone you loved naked, the smell of a memory that comes flooding in, a graduation or special occasion. other times are remembered for other reasons. negative memories, horrible events, cheap shots that hurt. we seem to be a composite of our memories.

today is a significant day in my life, i have been told. i am reminded that i may feel or act a certain way. there are those who check in on me out of concern - good friends that love and act accordingly. they needn't be worried.

in case you have no idea what i am talking about this is supposed to be a day of loss for me - a day to sit back and reflect on what i do not have. i suppose, if it were a year or two earlier i would be pensive, to say the least. but not today. i am reminded of a part of a song i love which says about god, "he gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name." i found myself singing that driving today and realized that i have still found some healing in my life. times are often hard and the future is uncertain but i am more than thankful that, though i am not where i want to be, i am certainly not where i was. single, pseudo-unemployed, financially taxed... it's all good.

so have a good day. i'm going to drive out to the ocean or othello tunnels and throw some rocks, smile in the sunshine and thank god for what i have, not what i haven't. i have two incredible sons, good friends, love, and hope. my parents are coming to visit tomorrow. now if i could only get some rich relative to die...!

Then reality set in and I realized that I’ve taken a giant step toward the world of the metrosexual male. I’m confident, however, that this was just experimental; a phase if you will, that can be countered with a simple act such as cleaning a gun. I think I’ll go to the garage, plug in a router and route something for a while. Then I’ll sharpen my knife and go wrangle me a squirrel or something. For I am a man. I’ve never had a pedicure, manicure, or facial. I’m ok because I have man stuff and a bit of “me time” in the privacy of my own bathtub will not change that.

From now on, I use lye soap with pumice.

read more here...

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil -- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

From:Strength to Love By Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

via theospeak

I had other dreams, both for me as an individual and for my family. So many of my dreams became what I wanted for others or what they wanted for themselves and dreaming just for my sake became almost impossible. Besides, dreams rarely come true. I'm not blaming anyone - please don't get upset. In my world they didn't become reality.
more here.

just came home from a funeral. the family was only marginally religious, the setting was a local funeral home.
i happen to be sitting near the door as people started to file in from outside. i could hear laughter and boisterous talking, it appeared like a normal day... outside.
the second people started through the door an interesting transformation took place. it was as though an invisible barrier was crossed. suddenly, as if on cue, all conversation ceased. smiles were erased from faces. body posture changed. the difference was palpable. assume the position.

such an interesting transformation deserves pondering. what is it that happened? i wondered to myself if such a transformation would take place in many churches. conversations would cease,people would check their language, certain subconscious expectations would be fulfilled. it is an all too oft testimony to a church that preaches one thing and delivers something different. we wholeheartedly endorse the god of acceptance, in theology. in practice, however, we demand conformity beyond what jesus himself would ask of us. it isn't long before the subtle pull of legalism taints what was once a tender joy and sincere desire for godliness. time and time again i have seen the heaviness of religiosity choke out faith; all in the name of holiness.

Insightful reflections from Donald Miller:

"If I weren’t a Christian, and I kept seeing Christian leaders on television more concerned with money, fame, and power than with grace, love, and social justice, I wouldn’t want to believe in God at all. I really wouldn’t. The whole thing would make me want to walk away from religion altogether because, like I was saying about Santa Clause, their god must be an idiot to see the world in such a one-sided way. The god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the West must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn’t sound like a very good god to me. The televangelist can have him for all I care.

You know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god, a god who exists simply to validate their identities. This god falls apart as soon as you touch him, as soon as you start asking very basic questions about the sanctity of all human life, the failure of combat mentality, and the lustful love of power."

Source: Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller, pp. 28-29.
via

Corruption's take: $148B

this brings back so many memories at willow creek and others.
via darryl

Why 'never again' keeps happening

Debt relief and the alleviation of suffering will be high priorities at the G8 summit, but it seems another crucial issue has been left off the agenda. Fergal Keane reflects on how the international community fails to learn lessons when it comes to reacting to genocide.
Link

via jordon

while i am the first to applaud the efforts of geldoff, bono and others at turning attention to the economic and human plight of african 'have-not' countries, i still get frustrated by grandiose gestures that are designed, subconsciously, to placate millions of guilty souls.

clearly it is laudible that hundreds of ordinarily self-serving spoiled millionaires would come together to do something of value... for once. i am clearly in favor of using as much media pressure as we can in order to get the word out. i commend those who have given of their time and chosen to do something instead of just whine. but...

i remember the momentum of the "jesus video" campaign that so many churches got involved with. i remember the looks on faces when i sought to exclude our church from the trend. people could simply not get their heads around the idea that a church, a pastor, would be so dead set against getting the word out that he and they would badmouth such a wonderful attempt at making a difference. but...

i have long been a critic of shotgun evangelistic efforts. one time attempts at making a difference with no long term benefits. while it is nice that people would get behind efforts like the jesus video, it also served to placate a generation of christians who had little or no real desire to do evangelism on an ongoing basis. it lacked integrity. it was an awesome opportunity for guilty consciences to make an obvious gesture that really cost them nothing. and i would argue, resulted in next to nothing.

and today we buy wristbands and sign petitions and walk in rallies and... nothing changes. and nothing really will.

i remember tuning in to the radio yesterday while elton john was singing "saturday nights alright for fighting". i'm sure he went home last night, to his mansion, believing he did some real good. he didn't. it would have been far more significant if he would have gotten off his fat ass and written a cheque for even 10% of his income. what an amazing sacrifice he made - several hours and millions of adoring fans. does that sound cynical? good.

i remember how much press johnny carson got when he donated 3 million dollars to have a hospital wing named after him. at the time it was barely 3% of that years income. i'm sure he feels like a real philanthopist every time he drives by the big sign with his name on it.

it's easy to take shots at rich celebrities. it's harder to admit that by me wearing that wristband this weekend i am not really making a difference. going to the concert won't change anything. even writing a letter to parliament is pretty much meaningless.

it would be far more effective to actually give some significant dollars, sacrificially, to a project like our orphanage in thailand. it would be far better to actually spend that vacation money on a trip to dig a well in sumatra. to be honest i could probably make a greater difference by buying 10 copies of hotel rwanda and giving them away than i could by going to a hundred live-aid-ish concerts.

yesterday was fabulous on many levels. i'm sure in the next week bono will announce some agreement or another that may seem to make a tangible difference. i truly hope so. then the rest of us who sit back and do nothing can feel that, by going to concert and wearing a wristband, that we too made a difference.