it is apparent that this is not really the end of the things i am wrong about. you could write volumes on the foibles, screwups, misinterpretations and downright stupid moves i have made. it's simply time to change direction slightly.

i saved my favourite for last.

how can you possibly believe you are good enough to even speak for 40 minutes?

like most of us i have listened to hundreds of speakers in my short life. a few stand out in my mind as incredible - m.l. king's "i have a dream" and "the drum-major instinct", campolo's "it's friday but sunday's comin!", as well as a few local favourites. i have, over the course of my speaking career, hopefully had a few good moments. undoubtedly i have also forced audiences to endure copious quantities of crap as well.

the world is changing. i remember reading spurgeon's sermons, even years ago, and thinking, "wow, this guy is long-winded!" the world was different. people were not raised on 30 second sound bites and automated tellers. after a day of farming it was tenable to imagine spending an evening at the revival meeting. and there are different cultures that have different styles. it's all good.

the world i live in does not suffer 45 minute sermons very well. it can be argued, and has been, that churches like willow and saddleback preach ad nauseum and people seem to love it. perhaps that is true, i just know that my friends would not. i often wonder if people would love those churches more if the sermons were shorter but, god forbid, you ever argue with success.

our culture is not set up for extended talking heads to drone on. i find that very few speakers can captivate me for more than about 15-20 minutes, even less. and yet week after week pastors all over north america serve up the extended sermon and go home believing they have been "on". maybe they have, but i've seen too many who were not.

few people have complained that i speak too little.

i do not understand why clergy believe that they deserve most of an hour to speak. i find, firstly, that amateurs tend to have a hard time getting started and a harder time ending. but professional speakers should understand that the head can absorb only as much as the butt. and besides, probably far greater than 90% of the pastors out there just simply are not gifted enough to hold an audience for an extended period of time. sorry but it's true.

get in, make a point, and get out. we'll remember more.

Link

some churches need a nap...

via darryl

Donald Miller had trouble loving himself. He writes of a wonderful relationship he had with a girlfriend who loved him intensely. He said "I could not really thrive in the relationship because I could never believe her deeply when she expressed affection....There was nothing this girl could do to get through to me." He realized that in past relationships the inability to love himself made him more and more needy and clingy. He would paint imaginary scenarios in his mind about how they were perhaps wanting to leave the relationship or wonder why they didn't want to commit to marriage soon enough. He felt a pull in him because this woman said she loved him yet he second-guessed himself and her. He decided to talk to someone about it.He told the counselor that he loved the woman so much that he had trouble eating and sleeping and thinking about anything else. He found relationships hard. He didn't want to run from this relationship, but he felt like "the meaning of life is riding on whether or not she likes me...whether or not she loves me."The counselor said something that impacted him."...for some reason you are letting this girl name you.

via

great blog from mark.

i remember hearing tony campolo expouse the fact that he was a lousy counsellor. he said he tried to give it a shot, but it just wasn't him. some guy would come in and say, "doc, i'm a pervert, a dirty pervert." campolo would try to sound spiritual and say, "well tell me about it." within a few minutes he would be yelling at the guy, "you are a pervert, get out of my office!"

not everyone can take your honesty. sometimes it is hard to know the darkest sickness in another person. over the twenty or so years of pastoral ministry i have heard all manner of dark secrets from seemingly normal people. it would be easy to hold that information in reserve, letting it taint my opinion.

i am thankful that i have people in my life that are not surprised by my sin. by my depravity. i don't have to pretend i am faultless around them. they love me inspite of what i do, not because of what i do. they inspire me to want to be a better friend and person.

recently i reflected on some of the people in my life who have had to walk through life with me. some of the first people i ever met when i moved to mission are still my close friends today. they have seen me at my best, and definitely stayed close during my worst. over the past five years i have had more valleys than mountain tops and some of those people just won't give up. recently i have sat across from a few of them and heard them tell me they still care. it doesn't really feel like it has been an equitable arrangement for them. and yet they continue to encourage and love, regardless of my sometimes less than stellar decisions. their commitment is clearly unconditional. it forces me to ask myself regarding my own.

sometimes i am not an easy person to love. there have been times in the recent past when i have been an emotional and physical mess. i have cried myself to sleep like a child. i have said and done things that i can only forgive myself for, there is no way to set them straight. some of my closest friends have had to endure more than their share of abuse from me, or because of me. i am only beginning to realize the sacrifice and commitment.

you know who you are.

*well not entirely...

i loved bible school.

near the end of my time there i was told i needed to go to seminary. i guess the traditional wisdom was that 4 years of bible training was not sufficient and 7 was necessary. unlike many of the grads i chose to take an M.A. instead while planting a church near denver, colorado. it was the best decision i could make at the time.

i guess if you are coming in to full-time ministry from a secular bachelor's degree than seminary may be a necessary prerequisite. biblical maturity and understanding is a must.

the problem is that too many pastors are trained for years in disciplines that really don't wash well in the world. we understand biblical exegesis sure, but have never taken a course on administration. we know biblical greek but not leadership. there are no courses on running meetings or indepth counseling or dealing with addictions. nothing on crisis intervention or identifying bodies or breaking up domestic fights. nothing on moving techniques or gossip or team leadership. nothing on hiring and firing. nothing on advertising. nothing on goal setting. nothing even on leading a church service. nothing on starting churches. nothing on caring for the poor or the elderly, the infirmed or the spiritually abused. sure there are tons of hours spent pondering sacred texts but very few moments spent on learning to effectively communicate what you have learned. seminaries cloister you from real life without forcing you to engage in it.

pastors in the real world do not have the luxury of spending every morning in study. the phone is always ringing. we plagiarize our sermons like everyone else. so much of what was learned in the classroom sits on a bookshelf in the office. eventually it goes to the salvation army or to the church library.

i am very much in favour of formal education if you can get it. unfortunately though, much of what i loved in classroom doesn't play well on the street. cynics say that it takes years to get the seminary out of a pastor so they can be of any use. that may be an exaggerated sentiment but i have to tell you, pastors are wholely unprepared for the vocation they dedicate their lives to.

it is no wonder, than, that so many ministers feel insecure, unprepared, ill equipped and outgunned.

here

ministers love to brag about how overworked they are.

it has been difficult for me to start this blog inasmuch as, of all the confessions i have made in this series, this one hits the closest to home. i have been grossly negligent in this area. for 20 years of ministry i have used this crutch to excuse all manner of laziness, poor scheduling, inadequate preparation and relational aloofness. and i'm not alone.

everything is work time. including blogging. and coffee with friends. and shopping and driving and phone calls and reading and praying and talking and writing and visiting and planning and napping and thinking and answering emails and surfing the net and going to the bank and reading the paper. many of you have full time jobs that you come home from in order to make it to the church on time for any number of reasons. i usually had a nice nap before the meeting because i would be putting in extra time.

on many levels it is an amazing life. you are your own boss. you can literally blow off weeks, even months, without anyone really knowing. all you need to do is be unavailable, look a little haggard and constantly whine about how busy you are and no one will know. trust me, i've tried it.

pastors love to point out how busy we are. we NEVER say that things are slack. pastors realize that people don't think they work much and there is something ingrained in their psychie that must justify their existence. it is frustrating to have people constantly make fun of you for working "one hour a week".

it is not as though some pastors do not get their hours in. many work chaotic shifts and are barraged by demands and complaints for which there is no obvious solutions. pastors complain that they are always working, which is an exaggeration, but even if that is true - they may be working but not always working hard. and frankly, a ton of pastors i know are just lazy. there is said it. i could give you lots of names.

my name would sometimes be on that list as well.

many pastors would react to reading this words. some are justified. others simply do not know or remember what it is like to have a real job. they live in a bubble of pseudo-activity and flexible scheduling. no one yells at them everyday at work. they don't have to drive 2 hours to get to the job site. they don't have to get up early, or pack a lunch, or listen to complaints all day. they can shut off their phone and not be fired. they don't get disciplined for being 10 minutes late to work. they can deduct their mortgage from their taxible income. they can write off any activity or expense. they are the only one paid to be at a funeral.

this is a very one-sided blog but i have, on many occasions, bemoaned the struggles of the pastor's life. it can be a very difficult vocation. very few people have, however, discussed the other side of the equation - the incredible perks, the lack of tangible accountability, the accolades, the tax breaks.

and right now i'm not even getting paid to blog.

discussion starts here.

for years i was frustrated as to why more people in the church did not go to bible studies. why they had a hard time making church commitments. with all the amazing opportunities we gave people why were they not responding in droves?

pastors believe the vast majority of lay people are spiritually and perhaps physically lazy.

i have spent literally dozens of hours in church meetings with leaders pondering the notion that people aren't as committed as they used to be; that they no longer put a priority on their spiritual walk. why can't they drag their lazy asses out to a weekly bible study?

as a pastor i believed that serving on a committe and being a part of a small group was the least a christian should do. i have come to understand that for many of us, it is the most we can do. we are insanely busy. church is insanely inconvenient. i was paid to have meetings, hold small groups and work evenings. most people have to come home from working 50 or 60 hours a week, get groceries, clean the house, do laundry, make supper, do the dishes and drop in bed. i never realized before how difficult it is to dedicate 2 or 3 nights a week and some weekends as a volunteer at a church. right now i work a part time job, am starting the club, am renoing the house and trying to have a social life. the thought of spending a couple of evenings a week in church activities stresses me out.

it can be argued, and often is by clergy and christian leaders, that people have their priorities wrong, that they are too busy. this may be very true... but it is called reality. the twenty-first century is cluttered, most families have to be double income. spending time in a board meeting arguing about carpet colours just doesn't seem as much a priority as it did fifty years ago on mayberry st.

and yet week after week, in churches all over the country, those who are paid to be at the meetings, who live and breathe the stuff, berate people who live with far too much angst already.

i'm sorry people. sorry i preached such a legalistic gospel. sorry i honestly believed you were lazy and uncommitted.

and very sorry that this sunday you will be made to feel guilty... one more time.

Just when you thought completely unnecessary religious paraphrenalia was going out of style, somebody comes up with this.

via

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- A U.S. Army sergeant died of wounds suffered in Iraq, the Pentagon announced Tuesday.

The death -- along with two others announced Tuesday -- brought to 2,000 the number of U.S. military members who have died since the start of the Iraq conflict in 2003.

several people have asked me why i am starting a new church. first it must be noted that i am not starting a church in the classic sense. more of a nightclub that has a church component.

i applaud the efforts of many of you who have started postmodern churches. but here's the problem - i don't like accoustic guitars. i don't really want to start a sunday school. i don't have an organization to answer to. i have no intention of doing something on a sunday morning unless it's a blue's brunch. i can't imagine being in leadership in a church again right now. worship choruses are wonderful but not really my thing.

i like loud music. and dancing. weird video. i'm tired of seeker services and worship evangelism. from my window, people are not lining up to be invited to church. the average person does not get up on sunday morning and consider dressing up for anything. they want to cut their lawn. sunday mornings is a tough sell; though many, including my past church, do it very well.

the church has done an adequate job of reaching out into it's community and inviting people to our stuff. it seems, however, that we have been unable (inspite of willow creek and saddleback and alpha and ...) to make tangible differences in the lives of real people where they are at. we provide venues for outreach, but do not live where they are. we ask people to take a monumental sociological leap. we are different. we are a cult.

time and time again i return to george mcleod's quote. it frustrates me, it inspires me. it's what i want to spend my life doing.

"I simply argue that the cross be raised again at the center of the market place as well as on the steeple of the church.
I am recovering the claim that Jesus was not crucified in a cathedral between two candles,
but on a cross between two thieves;
on a town garbage heap;
at a crossroad so cosmopolitan that they had to write His title in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin...
at the kind of place where cynics talk smut,
and thieves curse,
and soldiers gamble.
That is where churchmen ought to be,
and what churchmen ought to be about."

career ministers have absolutely no idea what the real world is like.

i remember a small group where i was pontificating the difference between men and women. i told the ladies present that when guys get together, away from their wives, they will usually talk about deep stuff, given the chance.

it was at this juncture that my male friend terry, who rarely said anything, looked at me square in the face and said something like, "what are you saying? normal guys aren't like that..." of course, being the idiot i was i argued with him. he continued to look at me like i was from another planet. he meekly told me that the guys he hangs out with are nothing like the touchy-feely guys i must talk to. it has bothered me to this day.

i didn't live in the real world as a minister. by my very presence i seemed to dictate how conversations would go. people acted different around me, hard to imagine. i asked penetrating questions that other guys would get laughed at for asking. i had license. i was a priest of sorts. people expected me to talk weird.

since leaving the pulpit i have begun to notice a subtle change in the way people talk to me and around me. i noticed this recently when i was standing at the back in church and people were gossiping right beside me... about the way the church was being run. in the 'before time' i would have never been privy to such a conversation.

ministers believe they have a firmer grasp on the human condition than most of those around them. they truly believe that they are paid to ask the big questions, to study humanity, to figure things out. it is not surprising then that they start to form elitist opinions about how people should behave, what they should think, and why things are the way they are.

it is hard for me to admit that i have had my head in the clouds much of my professional life. normal people did not think the same way i did. i based countless sermons on a misguided understanding of reality. if pastors live in a glass bubble then it is also true that they live in a nerf one. they are padded from much of what is really going on. sure they see the most graphic portrayals of sin, but only as an empathetic outsider. add to this the growing trend among pastors to demand better salaries, the prevalence of home-schooling and christian schools, the privileged positions they maintain in society, and you don't have a person who is anything like the welder he or she is trying to "reach".

My blog is worth $46,856.82.
How much is your blog worth?

in my world of professional and pseudo-professional musicians you stand out above the rest. you are the best bass player i have ever seen.

thanks for letting us in.

grace says it better than i can here.

it's true. secretly we wonder how you could waste your life doing something that does not make a difference. a long time ago we forgot what is was like to work at a job with meat-grinding mundacity. we can barely remember our "in the before time" when we too had to work to eat. somehow we forgot the nobility of being responsible, the truth that there is integrity in working for a living. we have elevated our own vocation higher on the food chain than we ought. we challenge you, week after week, to make a difference; subtely suggesting that many of you should go to bible school or seminary.
we love to tell the story of when steve jobs told the president of pepsi, "do you want to sell colored sugar water for the rest of your life or do you want to change the world?"

get a life. quit your job. make a difference.

... i'm sorry.

from a single molecule

ok, so i finally did one of those stupid 'pass it on' things. type in your name and "needs" and see what happens. did i tell you i was bored?

"scott needs to get out more"
"scott needs nude models"
"scott needs me to sing his praise"

many pastors believe, down deep, that they are the first among equals.

it's a subtle, subconscious thing. we preach our entire lives about how we are one, how we are all equal in god's sight, though down deep we feel 'called'. we understand that people notice us. at pastor's conferences we joke about how pastors used to be powerful - and secretly yearn for the days when our words were taken more seriously. outwardly we truly believe that we are only one part of the body, though inwardly we know better.

you are sheep. sheep need to be told what to think. you never seem to get so much of what we are trying to tell you. we are higher on maslow's pyramid than you are. week after week we leave frustrated that so many of the congregation is not growing, is not learning, is content to bleat. at minister's retreats we strategize how to motivate you lazy people. we complain and gossip about your shortcomings. we bemoan how hard it is to equip you to "do the work of ministry".

i was wrong but not completely guilty. i was put on a pedestal and though i knew better i let it happen. i wore my humility like a crown and by pointing out how i was one of you, i showed how i was not.

i have been pondering the lessons i have learned since quitting the pastorate. over the next several days i hope to expose some of the myths surrounding those of us who spend our lives in full time ministry. perhaps by exposing some of the issues i can keep from falling into the self-deception again.

many of us have spent an inordinate amount of time bemoaning the life of the pastor. many have pointed out the demands and stresses upon their lives, the incredible sacrifice and the poor compensation. i must admit that i found the pastor's life draining - the constant demands, the unrealistic expectations etc. these blogs are not about those issues.

here are the seven topics i will be writing about in the following days. certainly not all ministers would feel all of these things; but based on my twenty years of ministry and my fairly intimate relationships with dozens of pastors i have found:

1. many pastors believe, down deep, that they are the first among equals.
2. many ministers subconsciously believe that most of the vocations their parishioners pursue don't matter.
3. career ministers have absolutely no idea what the real world is like.
4. pastors believe the vast majority of lay people are spiritually and perhaps physically lazy.
5. ministers love to brag about how overworked they are.
6. seminary is almost useless.
7. 20+ hours of preparation is necessary for a sermon of 40 minutes or... how can you possibly believe you are good enough to even speak for 40 minutes?

a friend sent me a devotional recently about starting over. i have been giving it a lot of thot.

when i was younger somehow i thot i would have "arrived" by now. most of my friends have rrsp's and investments, many are already planning for retirement (freaky). and yet i sit here with anxiety as to what the future holds. i have been involved in several church plants, all of which have gone on to varying degrees of success. it seemed that as soon as they took on a life of their own, felt the inaugural stirrings of maturity, that i felt it was time to move on. part of me longs for the security of a stable job, while other parts of my subconscious are disgusted by the thought.

and again, against my earlier intentions, i find myself starting over - emotionally, professionally and relationally. i am forced to form new friendships, say goodbye to people who no longer desire to be a part of my life, and live with financial and professional insecurity. gone are the denominational undergirdings, the peer to peer support systems, the guaranteed paychecks.

just when i am tempted to self-absorb about this situation i am reminded that so many of us live in this same transient world. we do not enjoy the mundane security of our parents and grandparents. our careers are tenuous. people move or move on. relationships nose-dive, though we had counted on them lasting forever. very few of us remain in the same job for 40 years. fewer and fewer of us stay married to the same person for life. the world is complex and stressful. many of the theological and religious strongholds we have counted on for centuries have become obsolete or strongly in need of reinterpretation. we are faced with seeking biblical solutions to scenerios the church fathers would have blanched at. we live with intense financial and personal insecurity.

and yet the vast majority of the church goes merrily along happily ignoring the gay issue, serial marriages, scheduling nightmares, changing relational mores and attitudes, declining moral influence, the denigration of leadership, western ambivalence and arrogance, secularization, postmodernism and any number of up and coming hot buttons.

starting over. it seems sometimes that the roadmap has come unhinged. i wonder if the new testament was rewritten today if we would be shocked at its stand on issues and lack of concern for some of the things we as a church have died for.

we have not arrived. many of us aren't even sure where 'arrived' is anymore. i am convinced that christ is still the answer though wonder at some of the questions.

wendy gives an update. it's kinda freakin me out lately...

from reggie mcneal via darryl

We are insular. We've built a parallel universe. Instead of intersecting all the avenues of culture (arts, government, finance), we've built a separate domain. We have our own music awards, radio stations, bookstores, cruise ships. We eat with people like us, vacation with people like us. We go in for port calls but we scramble back.

We need the capacity to see beyond ourselves (John 4:34-35). The biggest problem the disciples had was they grew up in church. Most of us need to get over our church experience. In a lot of Christian crowds, there are relatively few new disciples. This should scare us.

free coffee club we are going to be using for clubchurch... for a while

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

via

Are we going to war with Iran?

via

the bible is replete with inadequate heroes. classic stories passed down the ages tell of the reluctant savior, the frodo's of life. but how we love our superstars. how we long to be special.

i used to think i was special. i grew up with certain inherent abilities, as well as glaring flaws. at 22 years of age i started my first church. people, even in those early days, would come to me and predict great things for my life. i have always been good at the out-front skills. the noticeable ones. but for some reason i realized early that fame and fortune were seemingly always just beyond my grasp. i could smell it, feel it, and wonder when it was going to drop on my lap. it never did.

i'm just average. any gifts i have are weighed against my inadequacies. i still remember, in vivid technicolor, when a close friend and someone i respect told me i was wasting my life. he admonished me to learn to guard my mouth, watch my attitude and try harder to fit in. he told me that i could do great things if i would only learn to play better with others. it was a hard thing to hear and wounded me deeply. it still stings a bit. perhaps it still bothers me because there was an element of truth in it. i enjoy being controversial and undoubtedly it has held me back. but i'm not sure if i care as much anymore about success.

i am constantly bothered by the fact that we love our heroes. it pisses me off that even in the circles i run in that we have our mentors and our stars. i'm tired of hearing the authorities at ooze conferences or poe moe get-togethers. i really don't care about their book. i'm sick of hearing about their successes. i don't give a damn if mclaren the flavor of the month were on nightline or oprah or fear factor. and yet...

and yet i would secretly love to be one of them. to be special.
after all, i justify, then i could reach more people and make a bigger impact... and pick up chicks. the jealousy courses through my veins though i line up a mile of excuses. to be human is to strive and to dream.

on the movie "the replacements" the star quarterback looks at keano and says, "i've got two superbowl fans and i'm a star. you'll never be more than a replacement player." to which keano responds,"i can live with that."

i'm average. i hate writing that. tonight i'm meeting with my music team to practice prior to opening the club church. and this time there will be no denominational money or free press. no plaudits from my peers. no writeups in baptist or methodist magazines. no mass marketing. no television spots. no slick advertising. no packed house.

just a few of us trying to make a difference with no money or decent contacts.

i can live with that.

You know that dream you carry around with you each day?
It's kinda important.
Wasn't it what you were put on planet earth to do?
They say everyone has a calling, can your still hear it?
Doesn't it eat away at you?
That treadmill you are on, did it ever get too much?
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to do your thing?
Did you ever feel time was passing you by?
Just how many days have you left before your last?
Did you ever wonder about stuff like that?
Did you ask yourself "what was stopping you?"
There is never a right time.
You will be too old.
Too young.
Too something or other.
When was last time you took a risk?
Did you remember how alive it made you feel?
There are no guarantees of success.
It's not called a leap of faith for nothing.
It's not too late, honest.
Jump.
You might fall.
You might fly.

via pernell

now it's a competition.
from one of my fav sites...

back in reno hell this week. sucks. people keep asking me if i'm selling the house. wondering more and more if people want me to move!

princess bride. one of the great classics.

one of the most poignant questions this film asks is when billy crystal, miracle max, asks the man in black, who is only mostly dead, what it is that he has to live for. it's a question we all ask from time to time.

it's thanksgiving in canada. we have this crazy idea that thanksgiving should be before the dead of winter... kinda after harvest. i love thanksgiving. i love pumpkin pie and tons of whipped cream. i love falling asleep after eating too much turkey. i love it all. at least now.

for several years thanksgiving has been a hard time. some of you know what i'm talking about. you know loss or pain and it's hard to imagine what you could possibly be thankful for. i've been there. been there hard.

i have been on the other side too long. i have faked happiness when down deep i did not feel it. i know what it is like to wish you were dead. some of you may be reading this with a certain sense of anger or pain. you know what it is like to hurt, you hurt all the time. you can't imagine not hurting. i hurt for 3 years so bad that i could not imagine an hour without torment. some of you may be there. i wish i could offer you platitudes about time healing and how you should look on the bright side but most of that is honestly bullshit. there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. nothing at all. just know some of us have been there too and you are not alone. call me.

for the first time in a long time i am truly thankful to be alive this thanksgiving. listening to my boy laugh loud during cards, thinking of my eldest in hawaii tonight (trying to phone him 4 times!). i am truly blessed. blessed that i have the opportunity to watch my sons grow up into amazing men. to have a safe home. to have enough money though i don't really earn much of an income right now. to have a few good friends who i just love. to feel a future. to know acceptance.

happy thanksgiving.

it's been hard to blog lately. it's not that i haven't felt like doing anything, it's really that i have been so busy doing everything. club church, club365, hawaii, work, house, social life, reading, researching, planning and dreaming. i've been busier than i could imagine.

when i was paid to to be holy i tried to work lots. but i have to tell you...it's easy to waste time when you are a pastor. most pastor's don't do anywhere near as much as they whine about. they write off anything as work time - socializing, driving, reading, talking on the phone, it's all considered work. we are very good at pretending to get stuff done.

pastors love to tell you what they are doing. they recount their busy schedules, sighing at all the right times. but i have learned some things this past several months.
real people work for a living. eight or ten hours a day, traffic and homework, usually doing crap they really don't care about. arrive home and go back out again - to grocery shop or kid's sports or any number of demands on their time. as a pastor i really didn't care about the pace of people's lives. at staff meeting we would ask each other, "why do people not do anything for god anymore?". we forgot that not everyone gets paid to take a three hour lunch or an afternoon nap.

sure the phone is always ringing but there are gaps... huge gaps.

the past several months i have stepped back from my lifelong love/hate affair with ministry. tonight i begin a new chapter in my life... again. tonight i wade back into the religious foray again, though on my own terms. i am glad that i have had a break and do not intend on becoming what i have been. i hate pastoring a church if by that you mean showing up for administration and visiting. i'm done with it... i hope. i want the excitement back. the edge. the danger. the fear of not knowing if anyone will care. it's what i was born to do, and i want it back.

plant #6.

everyone is going to be my last. well, maybe this time.