i have been enjoying reading the ebay atheist take a candid look at christianity. he sold his devotion on ebay, with a promise to go to church and take an unbiased look, to the highest bidder. here's his blog and here.

cindy gives us an update on the hell in darfur.

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

annette loves nudity here.

Sure, I get the idea of wearing these things in your car. That makes sense. But why the hell do you need this thing strapped to your ear as you get your cup of coffee, or schlep around the mall or watch your kids ball game on a Sunday afternoon. Get over yourself moron. You really look like an idiot.

read the whole rant here.

i spoke for an hour today with a friend that i have walked a long road with. he lives in california, which is not, in and of itself, a crime though it causes me to question his credibility. he is a pastor. he is quitting. another one bites the dust. i heard this week an old school friend gave his resignation. i have watched so many of my friends quit the ministry.

recently one of my closest friends who shall remain anonymous (jordon cooper) quit his rural church in spiritwood saskatchewan. another good friend quit his church of 16 or 17 years. he was considered one of the brightest and best; as is my anonymous friend who is married to wendy. same with my buddy in california. a year ago i too took the plunge. most of us have little independent projects on the side. most of us have found or are looking for real jobs. most of us seem to gravitate to the high tech field. most of us still pastor covertly, usually with a small group of friends or a house church. most of us are not looking to go back into denominational employ. some of us quit because of pressure or conflict though most have just simply come to believe they cannot work within the traditional confines. it's a strange phenomena, though certainly not a new one. in my college graduating class i was the only person not offered a position in full-time ministry. until last year i would brag that after almost 20 years i was the only one left. now i'm just a statistic.

quitting the full-time gig has been one of the most important decisions i have ever made. many people do not know this, but rarely a day goes by that i do not miss my old church, and my old job. i seem to think about it too much. though i believed it was on the vanguard, turns out that for me it was security. i never imagined that i needed security, i hated security - maybe because i had it but could not admit this to myself.

i have learned more in the last year than i did in any ten years of pastoring. i never would have believed how much i think about money now. i work for a paycheck. it isn't a 'calling', it's a gig. i find i'm more moral now than i was when i had the artificial constraints of the ministry thrust upon me. there is little reason to rebel, and what is there to rebel against? i can drink or smoke if i want to, sleep in or swear or sell amway if i care to. as long as i don't piss off my kids or my girlfriend or a few friends at the club, i'm pretty much covered. yet the frustration has diminished. i can tell people off if i want to. the hoops i jump through are self-imposed.

i worry about the future of the church. i sometimes wonder why so many of the best people can no longer function within it's confines. i oft-times conjecture that denominations are fast approaching obscurity. but i no longer spend significant portions of my life introspectively wondering about what to do about it on a programmatic or theological level. things seem much simpler now. i don't have to pretend. much has been said about the state of the church and it's leaders. i'm bored with all that on a philosophical level. i'll let the eggheads contextualize the movements and it's idiosyncracies. i have to go to work.

are you as bored with blogging as i am? wondering what is next. once upon a time we were on the cutting edge, now every wallmart housewife is blogging. read your link to the future of blogging.
when will the future be now?

read jordon's response to my question here.

a few of my favs as i watch the brightest and best bail...
12 Watch pioneering leaders exit your movement and comment on their lack of commitment.
14 In the 1960’s change the word “missions” to “mission”. To usher in the new millennium change “mission” to “missional” . Around 2010 plan to change “missional” to “postmissional”.
16 Run workshops on church planting. Hold conferences on church planting. Offer a course at your theological college on church planting. Do nothing to follow up the people who show an interest. Make sure only experts like me get to teach. Keep the practitioners away from the students. Keep the students in the classroom.
17 Grow your church, its facilities, staff and budget as BIG as you can. Let your vision stop at your car park. Let church history end with you. Let the Kingdom dream die.
18 Set ridiculous but catchy sounding goals like 500 in 5 years, or 2,000 by 2,000. Three years after the target date expires set new goals. Don’t forget to change the dates!
20 Lastly, set up a blog on church planting. Link to other bloggers on church planting. They link to you. Add smoke and mirrors.

via leighton

Then I got to thinking about worship in general. There are phrases and voices used for prayer and worship that wouldn't be found anywhere else in normal conversation, in a meeting, during a presentation. Yet this worshipspeak seems to be appropriate in a church setting.

'Lord, we just want to thank you and just praise you and just, Lord, just, you're awesome, Lord, and we just come to worship to just worship you.' What is it about prayer that causes people to fill in their pauses with this word? 'We just want to thank you.' Here's a shortcut: 'Thank you.'

'That we might.' As in, 'We come before you in prayer that we might be transformed by what you are saying to us.' Let's see how this would work in normal conversation: 'Bob, please pass me the green beans, that I might put some on my plate.' 'Sally, step back from the edge of the canyon, that you might not fall in.' 'Andrea, please give me money, that I might purchase a candy bar.' Mike, get away from that rabid dog, that you might not become bitten.' The second clauses in all these sentences are completely unnecessary, yet we add them in prayers to awkwardly name what we want to happen.'

worshipspeak here.

there is more money being spent on breast implants and viagra today than on alzheimer's research. this means that by 2040, there should be a very large older population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

"This is where I found myself, absolutley naked. Overnight, I went from overcommitted and overinvolved to doing nothing. I went suddenly from respected and needed to shunned and avoided. From an abundance of relationships, I'm left with a few that I could count on one hand.I know it sounds like we must have done something scandalous, but the truth is this was the result of deciding to leave.
We were ready to set down our position, but nothing can prepare you for what it feels like to be disreputed among the people you have ministered to for years.When you finally stand there completely naked, it is tempting to try to grab something to cover yourself with, to find some ministry to get involved in, some purpose to validate your worth."

read the whole article here.

most of us... HAVE A HARD TIME... getting ar0und to reading all the blog$. so it's easy to skip those... who use... too?? much punctuation!!!!!!!! or vary the fonts too wildly...or make every COMMENT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SCREAMING!!!!...

it isn't any easier to read big letters and wierd fonts (weird fonts) or too many colors.

DOES ANYONE TALK LIKE THIS???????????????

JUST MY 2CENTS WORTH

wow.

via

here.

"Thing is, it's not easy to admit that desire for loving attention...from people or from God. It's easier to fake yourself into believing you're strong and self sufficient. It seems needy, weak, and child like to long to be supported. And yet, without being able to graciously accept that, I mistakenly alter my perception of God. I make Him into something He is not - and attempt to make myself into something I am not...And it doesn't work."

read the rest of lori's confession here.

yesterday at the club i was cleaning in preparation for the evenings events. i had been swetting, washing floors and hauling furniture. i usually bring a change of clothing.

no one had come in for over an hour. i figured i was safe. so, behind the bar i dropped my pants in order to change into clean clothes. then a lady walked in, and asked for a latte.

never before have i felt so close to the bar. in fact, we became one as i sought to prepare the latte without letting on that i was wearing no pants. socks, shoes, shirt, but no pockets.

it reminds me of this bit by seinfeld:
"Why is it so difficult and uncomfortable to be naked? It’s because when you have clothes on, you can always make those little adjustments that people love to do. Hitching, straightening, adjusting. You know, you feel like you’re getting it together. But when you’re naked, it’s so final. You’re just, ‘well this is it, there’s nothing else I can do.”
That’s why I like to wear a belt when I’m naked. It gives me something. I’d like to get pockets to hang off the belt. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to put your hands in your pockets. I think that would really help a lot…"

i had a counselor tell me i needed to stand in front of the mirror naked for one minute each day to get more comfortable with me. i told this to someone and they went “eeeew”. … oh that helps…!

so with all this rolling around in my noodle i continued to grind the beans, praying all the while that i would not have to go to the kitchen for anything. she blandly asked where the sugar was, it being at right angles to where i was hiding. i reluctantly told her and proceeded to push my torsoe inside the small floor fridge as she walked to the condiments.

as she left the club i followed her behind the bar, keeping my beautiful barrier between us until she nievely walked out.

i'm an idiot.

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the mask I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled.
For God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled,
within me and without,
that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm, and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth
but my surface is my mask,
ever changing, ever concealing.

I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and myself,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when it's the last thing I seem to want.
Who am I you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well,
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

1. a sign on your door reads, "twas the night before my birthday and all through my socks. mmm twinkies!
2. your psychologist tells you that you're 'really freaking him out'.
3. you specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go'.
4. you buy goldfish and ask the assistant if they come with chips.
5. you make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
6. you ask people what gender they are...
7. you tell small children that they don't look very promising.
8. you page yourself on the intercom at work but don't disguise your voice.
9. you reply to everything someone says with 'that's what you think!'
10. you finish every sentence with, ‘in accordance with prophesy’.

“normal people” – don’t know too many.
once you get to know people you come to realize that normal is abnormal.
and abnormal… well, it’s normal.
everyone is weird.
some of us just hide it better.

that is why it is such a joke when you go to church and it looks like most of the people there have it ‘together’. i’ve been on the other side of the coin for years. i’ve heard the most ‘together’ people confess the craziest stuff. i’ve bailed the most ‘together’ people out of jail. i’ve broken up spousal fights between 'together' leaders in the church.

i once sat in a room with some people who tried to convince themselves they had it all ‘together’. they had some ‘concerns’ with me as their pastor so like most christians, didn't have the guts to approach me directly so they told each other and not me. then, in typical herd fashion, they got together and summoned me.
as i looked around the room at those people, i could see the one who had confessed the porn problem to me, the guy who was at that moment cheating on his wife and didn’t feel bad. i saw the guy who was interested in children ‘in the wrong way’. the guy whose marriage was breaking up. the hypocrite who believed he could do no wrong. the confessed egomaniac.
and the weird part was, they all knew i knew.
and here they were, judge and jury.
i found it very surreal.
i wanted so badly to scream out, ‘ya well, you’re cheating on your wife!!!’… but i didn’t.

so that’s normal?

we are a generation trying to fit in.
trying to know what it means to be a grown up.
trying to find love.
feeling dirty
trying to be normal.

I had watched too many church planting men destroy their wives by treating them like a resistant dog on a leash and collar rather than a life partner and fellow church planter. I’ve met few pastor’s wives that after 5 years just don’t look ruined. What a tragedy! What a shame! I guess that’s why I have a hard time liking many pastors, I simply look at their wife and think, “You bastard! …and all in the name of ‘God’s work,’ I’m sure.

via wendy

It is not the critic who counts:
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who does actually try to do the deed;
who knows the great enthusiasm,
the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause;
who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.
Far better it is to dare mighty things,
to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure,
than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt

recently annette was watching t.v. at my house and suddenly started to laugh. seems, she discovered, that we have blocked the women's network. for some reason she found that funny. hey, it's a guy house.
it was, therefore, with some trepidation that i let rob deyo talk me into turning to that estrogen hotbed on sunday afternoon. from time to time rob and i will call each other to say that a particular concert or comedian is on tv; but the women's network? had rob gone over to the dark side? he has been losing a lot of weight recently...
within minutes i was transfixed. friends of mine, ron and jennifer bonar, were at the hospital in toronto. i knew that jennifer had been losing her hearing for years, but had no idea she was now almost deaf. it was one of those human interest shows. it was about a friend of mine. it was very real.... and yet unreal.
they were going to drill a hole in jennifer's skull. ben and i were getting squeamish in our seats.
the show ended by telling us it was going to be a 2 part deal. the last thing i saw was jennifer being asked if she could hear. then they cut to commercial. then ben yelled out, "no!"

tune in next week.

I know no price too high to face a women who received nothing on Valentine’s Day. Plus I don’t want rat poison “accidentally” put in my Rice Crispy treats years down the road.

read the rest of his valentine's woes here.

just this week i had to drive back a half hour to work to unmute a computer. course that wasn't as good as two weeks ago when, after a twenty minute conversation, i realized they had not TURNED ON THE FRIGGEN THING.

via edna:
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved theproblem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.>> "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.

beautiful ethiopia

via

just when you thot it was safe to surf the net again...

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is known for his martyrdom at the hands of SS during the Second World War. The author of The Cost Of Discipleship. Bonhoeffer is held up as a model of courage and spirituality. But was he as courageous as he appeared? He wrote a poem about that very question titled "Who Am I?"

Who am I?
They often tell meI stepped from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a Squire from his country house.
Who am I?
They often tell meI used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I?
They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really that which
other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick,
like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though
hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers,
for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness,
for neighborliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends
at an infinite distance,weary and empty at praying,
at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Apparently Bonhoeffer faced the same dilemma we face. There was the part of him that everyone saw and admired, and there was the secret part of him that only Bonhoeffer and God knew about. I believe all of us face that same dilemma. Whatever people believe about us, we all are cursed with a secret self—a self no one knows, a self who can only be revealed to the closest of friends, if even to them. And we hate that part of us.

It is a place where our fear and loneliness congregate, where our insecurities run wild.
- the home of the exhausted self, the burnt-out self, the sick-and-tired self, the angry self, the hurt self, the abandoned self. It is the part of us that we don’t want anyone else to see, except by the most trusted of friends, because its raw reality is just too much for others to see.
Problem is - the Church tries to make us believe that real Christians don’t have secret selves, that genuine believers don’t have secret parts of them that disbelieve, that mature Christians never get angry at God or regret their decision to follow Christ, and that godly people don’t get sick of God.
None of that is true. Godly people don’t often feel godly, and followers of Christ don’t often feel like followers of Christ.
This is what real faith is: In the presence of doubts, we believe; taunted by our fears, we act fearlessly; surrounded by our weaknesses, we still stand; weary, burned-out, exhausted to the point of betrayal, we cling to faith.

Perhaps you've heard the story of Johnny Lingo, a man who lived in the South Pacific. The islanders all spoke highly of him. He was strong, good-looking, and very intelligent. But when it came time for him to find a wife, people shook their heads in disbelief. The woman Johnny chose was plain, skinny, and walked with her shoulders hunched and her head down. She was very hesitant and shy. She was also a bit older than the other married women in the village, which did nothing for her value. But this man loved her.

What surprised everyone most was Johnny's offer. In order to obtain a wife, you paid for her by giving her father cows. Four to six cows was considered a high price. The other villagers thought he might pay two or even three cows at the most. But he gave ten cows for her!! Everyone chuckled about it, since they believed his father-in-law put one over on him. Some thought it was a mistake.

Several months after the wedding, a visitor from the United States came to the Islands to trade, and heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his ten-cow wife. Upon meeting Johnny and his wife the visitor was totally taken aback, since this wasn't a shy, plain, and hesitant woman, but one who was beautiful, poised, and confident.The visitor asked about this transformation, and Johnny Lingo's response was very simple. "I wanted an ten-cow woman, and when I paid that for her and treated her in that fashion, she began to believe that she was an ten-cow woman. She discovered she was worth more than any other woman in the islands. And what matters most is what a woman thinks of herself."

believe me! the secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
friedrich nietzsche

we choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
kahlil gibran

it is always your next move.
napoleon hill

our own heart, and not other men's opinions, forms our true honor.
samuel taylor coleridge

be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
john wooden

to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
elbert hubbard

heard recently that at weddings they are no longer throwing rice. now they throw birdseed. know why?
apparently if birds eat the rice it expands in their stomach and they literally blow up.
why am i finding out this information just now?

...we're having chinese tonight.

then a few of us started to talk about living in joy and having hope for the future. we are tired of being discouraged and beat up. we want to deal with our stuff and walk with god and whine a little less. i needed to hear that. i need to know that i wasn't the only one...
more.

i should know, i've done it.
rod fights back.

"sometimes i guess you have to spend some time looking at the abstract beauty of the broken pieces before the roads are made new."
more.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms --
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
-Viktor E. Frankl

my friend linda sent this to me:

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing."Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering.... why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell
with the others?""Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan, "They're all from Vancouver!""They're still too wet to burn."

all the blogs and tests about determining your personality based on your date of birth reminded me of this horoscope by weird al. i'm guessing it's probably exactly as accurate as the others...

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

That's your horoscope for today.

check out the club blog for the latest 'confirmed' gigs at club365

why?

from darren,
****blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****

my close bud jordon is going in for some scary tests tomorrow.

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Sir Francis Drake -1577

via passion + reason