lately life has been too busy. a wedding coming up, the club potentially moving, new opportunities, starting a couple of new businesses, the church, life if full. sometimes life is too full.

it's easy to forget why we live. i used to think that we lived solely for religious fulfillment, for service. i've come to understand that most people need to make a buck far more then then need to go to a men's church breakfast on saturday mornings. for most people, they live for the weekend. as a pastor these people were a constant source of ridicule. we wondered why people were so lazy. why they were so flaky. i never really realized the emotional commitment that going to a single place of employment for 9 or 10 hours every single weekday can be. how tiring it can be to invest untold hours into a job that doesn't enthrall and stimulate you. most jobs are not a fulfillment of a personal life vision. most jobs just put food on the table.

it is dawning on me that it is work to do anything beyond the absolutely necessary. the weekends have come to mean something far different than they used to. as one of millions of people who gets one day off a week, it's hard to get into yet another commitment any time soon.

i've also realized that i love going to church on saturday night, if what we do can be called church. it's wonderful to sleep in on sunday mornings. saturdays are just to stinkin busy, and i don't even have kids who are in weekend sports.

it still sucks, but it's true. most of us really are working for the weekend.
i love this phase of my life.

so cheesy

The world's second-richest person, Warren Buffett, is donating $37 billion - more than 80% of his fortune - to the charitable foundation run by his friend Bill Gates.The move is the biggest-ever single act of charitable giving in the US.
gives me hope.
via

you've been warned.

i spent father's day without the boys this year. i can't remember if it has ever happened before, but i was fine. i spent the day with annette and matthew, some of which was in the mall looking for the perfect hand towels. ok, well most of the day was fine.

saturday night i spent an hour on the phone talking with my oldest son. he is a man now, complete with what his brother calls his "jesus beard"; hardened by tree planting but softened by time alone with his thoughts.

my sons have been the best part of my life. i am not sure how i could love another human being more than i love my boys. they are my joy, my best friends, the finest young men i have ever known. i have been a single parent for six years and gone through their teenage years alone with them. sometimes i was there for them. sometimes they were there for me. but i digress.

this past year has been challenging for my son and i. we have been best friends forever, we are so much alike. i am close to my other son because we compliment each other. nathan and i mirror each other. he has been growing into manhood and finding himself in a complex world, realizing that his father is human and fallible. sometimes it was easier to disagree than to find common ground.

saturday night we talked and talked. i have spent this past year with my youngest, we are as thick as thieves. we hang out all the time. we are tight. but it was his brother that i talked with that night. we talked about family, about the importance of blood. the williams men are all cut from the same cloth. we value loyalty above all else. we know how to say "i love you". we kiss. it is modelled by my father, and hopefully i model this as well. saturday night nathan spoke of his adoration for his brother. he has spent hour upon hour alone this summer, pounding out trees. he has had time to reflect on what is important. he told me that he realizes how much he is loved. it has dawned on him, gradually and all at once. he knows we absolutely love him, no matter what. he feels the intensity of emotion towards him, and it blows him away.

i believe that is a rare gift. the gift of feeling loved. truly he is incredibly loved. many of us are. but for one brief moment he understands. for one moment in time he feels the intensity.

a rare gift.

it scares me when people desperately need someone.

you complete me...is a very unhealthy way to approach relationships. it took me a long time but eventually i came to the place in my life where i no longer needed someone else to be whole. it helped alot that for much of that time i hated women, but that is another sick story. what was important for me was to come to a place where i enjoyed being alone, where i no longer longed for someone else to fill the holes in my heart and my life. i believe it is very unhealthy to approach a intimate relationship, much less a marriage with glaring codependent needs. the healthy person does not need to be married, they desire too. anything less is probably putting too much pressure on another to fix your heart.

don't get married until you don't need to... i have always believed that but it was incredibly arrogant to spout this off when i had been married since i was a teenager. it was another thing altogether to come to the place where that statement became real for me.

i have hesitated to speak too much of my impending nuptuals for fear of offending those who bristle at the idea of me getting married. but somewhere along the line i have come to understand that this is no longer my problem. my real friends may not agree with some of the things i do in my life (and that would be a healthy way to think) but they love me anyway and their love and support for me as an individual is not conditional. the rest of you can piss off.

this week i had coffee with a friend who asked me how i was doing, whether or not i felt trapped by circumstances and unable to be the person i desired to be. he has not always agreed with decisions i have made, i have not always agreed with his. but it was clear that we care deeply for each other, in spite of some polarized views. i can handle that. we have walked a long and oftimes treacherous road together, he is one of my best friends. i walked away from that coffee asking myself for perhaps the hundredth time whether or not i was ready to take this next step in my life or whether circumstances have crowded out my sanity.

i realized again that i don't need to be married.

One of the great things about being white trash is that people have low expectations of me. If I burp or fart in public without apology its to be expected. If I pull sweaty money out of my bra strap to buy Bon Bons and Wal-mart no one bats an eye. I am expected to be funny, but in a more “laugh at me” type of way that really requires no work or thought on my part. People just watch and wait until I embarrass my self, which I usually do. Freedom.

more from van here.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
But soon the King himself heard of Humpty’s fate. And he was deeply disturbed. So, setting aside his royal finery, disguised as a common peasant, the King slipped unnoticed through the majestic palace gates and into the rough-and-tumble street life of his kingdom.
The King searched everywhere for Humpty Dumpty. After several days and nights, the persistent monarch found him. Humpty’s shattered body was scattered over a 10-foot circle amidst broken glass and flattened coke cans of a back alley.
The King was overjoyed at the sight of Humpty. He ran to his side and cried, “Humpty, It is I, your King! I have powers greater than those of my horses and men who failed to put you together again. Be at peace. I am here to help!”
“Leave me alone,” Humpty’s mouth retorted. “I’ve gotten used to this new way of life. I kind of like it now. I’m fine and I like it here. The trash can over there. . .the way the sun sparkles on the broken glass. This must be the garden spot of the world!”
The King tried to persuade him again: “I assure you my kingdom has much more to offer than this back alley–there are green mountains, rolling surfs,
exciting cities. . .”
But Humpty would hear none of it. And the saddened King returned to the palace. A week later one of Humpty’s eyes rolled skyward only to see once
again the concerned face of the King over his fractured pieces. “I’ve come to help,” firmly stated the King.
“Look, leave me alone, will you?” said Humpty. “I’ve just seen my psychiatrist, and he assures me that I’m doing a fine job of coping with my environment as it is. You’re the cop-out. A man has to deal with life as it
comes. I’m a realist.”
“But wouldn’t you rather walk?” asked the King.
Humpty replied, “Look, once I get up and start walking I’ll have to say up and keep walking. At this point in my life I’m not ready to make a commitment like that. So, if you’ll excuse me – you’re blocking my sun.”
Reluctantly the King returned to his palace. It was over a year before the King ventured back to Humpty’s side. But this time, the atmosphere was different. On that bright morning, one of Humpty’s ears perked up as he
heard the sure, steady strides of the King. This time he was ready.
Humpty’s eyes turned toward the tall figure just as his mouth managed the words, “My King!”
Immediately the King fell on his knees on the glass-covered pavement. His strong, knowing hands gently began to piece together Humpty’s fragments.
After some time, his work completed, the King rose to full height, pulling up with him the figure of a strong young man.
The two walked together through the kingdom. And to the depth, breadth and height of their friendship there was no end…

only the empty, the poor, the naked and the disenfranchised can really see clearly, because they have no vested interest and nothing left to lose.

more from len

i just realized i'm going to be married in 7 weeks.

... i can't breathe....

“many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”
fulton oursler

pat robertson, who continues to confound the world with his assinine antics, tells the world he leg pressed 2000 lb. then admits he cheated.

evangelist concedes he cheated when leg-pressing a ton

i've started building computers because i have so many requests and pretty much most of what is out there is junk. doing three lines - ultra cheap but not dell ultra crap, midrange with better parts (ie: the lowest latency ram you can buy, all duel core technology) and high end gamer machines (it's about the video card, really). even the high end machine will be under 1500 bones.

i've just come to realize that you can build way better than you can buy for about half the cost. the only machine cheaper is the dell deal and it's total crap - uses end of era parts, high latency, celeron garbage.

let me know if you want one. i'll post pictures later this week. going with the cubist look. no rectangles.

my two favorite women

I saw the DaVinci Code last night. Intriguing story. I now see why so many Christians are upset about the movie. It does challenge basic beliefs of particular Christian traditions (e.g. Divinity of Christ). Throughout the months I have heard numerous critiques and reviews of the movie or at least the ideas being presented in the movie. However, what I am struck by is the relative silence regarding the religious aesthetic and particular racial inference of Jesus and his descendants in the movie. One of the main issues I have with those who take issue with this particular movie is the silence on the racial dynamics and aesthetics of the movie. As it turns out Jesus' descendants are white Europeans. No surprise there! Racial Constantinianism is a mutha!
via kevin.

welcome to the real world.

driving home from my part-time job this week i happened to tune in to religious radio. it is a vice i have a hard time sharing about - i listen to radio sermons. i excuse it on the grounds that i don't get to sit in a church pew, but the real reason may be closer to fascination with conservative evangelicalism (and i like to rip off stories).

john macarthur was preaching. although i don't really agree with everything the guy says, he does say it well, and i was intrigued. he was speaking about 'setting your mind on heavenly things'. i struggle to do that oftimes and so i was listening. and there was basically nothing else on. and i didn't have a book close by (yes i was driving).

macarthur made a stunning statement. he mentioned that he does not spend one minute a day dwelling on 'earthly things' if he can help it. he doesn't worry about money or employment or security, and neither should we. what an idiotic thing to say.

it's fine to not worry about money
- when you are a multi-millionaire with your own bible named after you.
- when you are not worried about whether or not you are going to have enough money to buy groceries this week.
- when you don't have to worry about losing your job and maybe your house.
- when you admit publically that you get paid to study over 30 hours/week.

i hate it when preachers do that. especially in light of the fact that i used to say things like that all the time. i read an old sermon just last week that told people to quit their job if they are not fulfilled. it's a wonderful sentiment when you get paid to think about heavenly things, when you know you have a paycheck coming, when you have investment capital and money in the bank. it's another thing when you don't have a good job, security, or a spanky ministry giving you more freedom than retirement.

it only further solidifies for me the fact that most, not all, pastor's have no flipping clue what is going on in the real world. and the worst part is, they wouldn't believe you if you told them. i should know, i wouldn't have for a minute.

last year when i came home from hawaii i brought ben a ukulele. most people don't believe it's a real instrument. so some were surprised when i paid what i did for one with electric pickups and decent pegs.

check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1o7MSENfhc
via rob

Alan Cohen:
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Charles DuBois:
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.