won't be blogging much for the next couple of weeks, have more important things to do!

see you when i see you.

i'm getting married today.

i honestly never thought it would happen. after 6 years of single life i have come to enjoy being single. it is freedom. it is independence. add to this the fact that i had some huge female issues.

but here i am. there have been moments of introspection, a few 'what the heck are you doing' times. moments of feeling overwhelmed, moments of feeling underwhelmed. hundreds and hundreds of details.

i'm very happy. life is a journey that usually ends up much different than you imagined. there have been many times when i wanted to get off the tracks, but i'm glad that i didn't. everything old seems new again.

here's to you annette. you are an amazing girl. thank you for believing in me.

you are beautiful.

the key word today is 'busy'. busy doing the millions of details. things that no one may notice. if it wasn't for our wedding planner lori i think we would explode. it was going to be a simple outside ceremony, celtic, columban, mellow. then the 14 foot roman'esque' pillars arrived. the rest, as they say, is making history.

i am thankful for these days. exciting times. stressful times. times with the few people who are the valuable parts of my life. friends that are there for life, regardless of the times i have screwed up. friends who may not always agree with you, but love and support you.

last night a few of my close friends took me waterskiing on the river. a campfire, a few beers, warm sand and great moments. then home via flashlight and a few hours of sleep.

“true friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.”

via jordon

Barbara Ehrenreich asks the question can you afford to be poor? She points out the ghetto tax.
A new study from the Brookings Institute documents the “ghetto tax,” or higher cost of living in low-income urban neighborhoods. It comes at you from every direction, from food prices to auto insurance. A few examples from this study, by Matt Fellowes, that covered 12 American cities:
Poor people are less likely to have bank accounts, which can be expensive for those with low balances, and so they tend to cash their pay checks at check-cashing businesses, which in the cities surveyed, charged $5 to $50 for a $500 check.
Nationwide, low-income car buyers, defined as people earning less than $30,000 a year, pay two percentage points more for a car loan than more affluent buyers.
Low-income drivers pay more for car insurance. In New York, Baltimore and Hartford, they pay an average $400 more a year to insure the exact same car and driver risk than wealthier drivers.
Poorer people pay an average of one percentage point more in mortgage interest.
They are more likely to buy their furniture and appliances through pricey rent-to-own businesses. In Wisconsin, the study reports, a $200 rent-to-own TV set can cost $700 with the interest included.
They are less likely to have access to large supermarkets and hence to rely on the far more expensive, and lower quality offerings, of small grocery and convenience stores.
Update: Chicago is ordering big box stories to increase wages to at least $10/hour.

ok, i need a vacation. did i mention we're going to jamaica?

annette is working like a dog but looking like a fox.

nathan called and informed me the stag will be reminiscent of andy's. the words 'paintballs' and 'naked' came up far too often.

reminds me of the story my buddy greg told me about him having a bunch of peanut butter shoved down his speedo, then forced to run down a beach and ask 30 people for toilet paper.

not me.

life ends.
life begins.
here's to life.
it's beginnings and endings.
goodbyes and hellos.

"how enticing to find yourself back where you started, and see it again for the first time."

no one wants to be foolish. no one starts out their life hoping to end up on the trash pile of humanity. very few of us are happy to be regarded as foolish, or worse yet, to not be regarded at all. there is something within us that cries for significance, to be recognized. to be famous.

at the time of this writing i have been living with a decision i made some time ago to step out of the limelight. since adolescence i have been a showman, craving the spotlight, performing for the crowds. obviously i would have never admitted such a thing so overtly before, i spoke in altruistic platitudes about using a certain temperament or gifting or opportunity. looking back it amounts to virtually the same thing.

i have, from youngest years, believed i would be significant. there was always this carrot of notoriety just outside my grasp. so much of what motivated me stemmed from this insane need to be ‘someone’. so much of my personality was wrapped up in this subtle egoism. that is not to say that i do not struggle anymore with obscurity. Every time i sit down at this computer to write i question my motivations. i can feel that snake coiling just beneath the surface, even now.

quitting full-time christian ministry has been the best and most frustrating journey i have ever been on. i would contend that i have learned more about myself and my world in this time than in any other period of my life.

i have found obscurity.

perhaps it is more accurate to say that i have finally admitted to myself that i am ordinary and unimportant by almost every societal barometer that matters in prevalent society.

i never would have imagined how quickly i could be forgotten. people asked friends of mine if i had moved out of town. there was a prevalent rumour that i had abandoned my faith. the phone stopped ringing. people I ran into, whom i had known for a decade, were noticeably uncomfortable and overly polite. i felt like a leper. i took to driving by my old church hoping i would have the nerve to stop in, knowing i would not. there were no longer the invitations to speak at gatherings or churches. i could walk into a room and no one would care. i was no longer a moral authority. i had to pay for my own meals.

but far worse than all this was the incessant need to make money. unlike almost every other normal person in this world i never had to think much about money. of course there was never enough, but there was always more around the corner doing what most people would not consider work at all. i was paid to read and blog and talk and coffee and hang out. then one day i woke up and realized i did not have a job. the prospect of leaving the ministry sounded good in theory, but i had no idea the cost in reality. suddenly i was working at a series of meaningless jobs. the thing i had long belittled had finally become a reality in my own life – i was working for a living.

it became immediately apparent that i was woefully unprepared for the real world. the insanity of working solely for the basic survival of my family, devoid of the platitudes and instant gratification, was mind-numbing. in my ‘secular’ job no one really cared about my opinions. people i had pastored i now worked for. my supervisor enjoyed belittling me in order to feel better about himself. like an idiot i sought to ‘counsel’ him with regard to his social interaction. then the yelling began. suddenly i was a non-entity. obscure. it drove me to distraction.

to be continued...

and it's hot. freakin hot. i'm going to melt. now that will be really attractive.

"Are we allowed to speak honestly?"
"I'm here because my three sons believe in Jesus and find the church totally indifferent. I'm 72 years old. I have six compatriots. We've produced 35 kids. They're bright, reasonably intelligent. None of them disbelieves in Jesus; none of them has any time for the church."

the rest.

annette anticipates, and remembers

As I laid in bed tonight my thoughts roamed about my family. With an upcoming marriage and embarking on a new adventure, I became sentimental and remiscent. I thought of people I love whom I thought would not be here today, and the future of family. My thoughts turned to Lorne. When I had just turned 13 he died in a car accident. He was 19. Red hair, curlier than mine, teeth very similar before I had braces. Small man, very lean. Fine features, as is prominent in my family. My older brother.

Sometimes I am surprised by the sudden reminder of him. I spoke with my dad about that, as his wife is grieving the new loss of her son. I said "Dad, you know what it's like to lose a son. It hurts." We don't talk about these things...

the whole blog here.

annette and i have been going though my photo albums this week. 17 albums and 5 shoeboxes of memories and experiences. it is quite overwhelming. pictures of weddings and babies and dogs. of church plants (6), people i have loved and lost because of distance and time and change. photos which have begun to yellow with the years. a young man with more hair, more idealism. trips to germany and switzerland and france, costa rica, hawaii and points beyond. miles and miles of smiles. melancholy moments.

it's weird to see your life captured in snapshots. in my case 6 or 8 thousand snapshots. though not traditionally a packrat i find it hard to throw away pictures.it's almost as if i am afraid that i am extinguishing that memory.

too much of my life just slips on by. i remember the tony campolo story about the time he asked his class how long they had been alive. they answered with the usual statistics, quoting their birthdays and such. campolo waited a moment then proceeded to tell them that they really did not understand the question.

then he told this story - he said that as a child he had once gone up the empire state building and before him lay the canopy of new york city. he could see the skyscapes and the vistas, the traffic looked like ants. he was awestruck by the view and felt that for that moment, those few seconds, that he was really living, was truly alive.

then he turned to his students again and asked them, "now, how long have you lived?"

a couple of minutes? a couple of hours?

snapshots of moments of life. canoe trips, many canoe trips, and trips and church and life. moments.

i intend on making a few more moments in a few days. minutes hugging my kids, or smoking cubans together, i'm ok with either. moments in jamaica. at my wedding. moments in the band, pretending i'm an amazing singer, watching ben or rod or nate or martin enter the moment. moments holding hands and pressing lips and sharing hearts with true friends who have walked a mile or two with me.

real life. how long have you lived?

You scored as William Wallace. The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need. William Wallace 83% El Zorro 71% Neo, the "One" 71% Lara Croft 67% Batman, the Dark Knight 63% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% James Bond, Agent 007 58% The Terminator 54% Maximus 54% Indiana Jones 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 38% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

as i approached the lumber store today i couldn't help but hear the deafening pounding from a vehicle nearby as eminem's arguably most foul song wafted out of the window. the f-bomb is almost perpetually dropped between descriptions of female genitalia. i walked by, less than impressed, when i noticed the two children singing along at full volume were all of 4 or 5.

making my mafia recipe spaghetti sauce (12 cloves of garlic, serves 4)

when i realized that annette is growing fresh basil on the deck. living in a guy's frat house for 6 years you rarely grow fresh basil. or bathe.

i could get used to this...

went to mark and janet's wedding today.
couldn't breathe....

i work with dozens of rock bands. every week i watch their young, tattooed faces haul equipment in, then subsequently out, of my little club. usually the bands are horrible, preferring loud over good. they want to be heard. the lead singers love to swear and rant and demand that people listen to their mindless, adolescent drivel. they offer philosophical musings that wouldn't mystify a rock. occasionally a band will close the night that surprises me with talent. generally they are older, they talk less, swear less, turn their amps up... less. sometimes less is more.

most rock musicians i know are posers. they love to belittle others for "selling out" until it is their turn. they pretend to be making love to their guitars, they talk differently then they do normally, they suck up to all the wrong people. they love to drop names and insinuate that they 'know people'. they talk about prior concerts which were always huge and amazing. yet they still show up, week after week, at my little club and often cannot even afford the cover.

i hate posers. it bothers me when people name drop. it disgusts me when i do it. i watch as week after week, posers try to impress and deliver on promises they cannot make to people who do not matter.

there are a fair number of blog posers as well. they love to belittle others for "selling out" until it is their turn. they talk differently then they do normally, they suck up to all the wrong people. they love to drop names and insinuate that they 'know people'. they use king james language or pretend everything is grand. they subtly belittle those of us who seem to struggle. it appears, when you read their posts that they are prophets. they have the solution to whatever ails us. they are authorities, they know the score. they condescend.

i'm realizing that after 8 years of post-secondary education and 20 years in pastoral ministry (credential dropping) that i rarely know the real score. i pose with myself. i believe i am far more self aware than i probably am. i spout off solutions like i really have a clue.

like many of us i am suspicious of preachers. i wonder sometimes how such people can spin the truth, day after day, to such an extent. life is always on their side, yet often their private lives do not reflect this.

blog posers. pastoral posers. leader posers. guru posers. prophets. i've tried to be them all. but it wasn't real. i wonder how often it really is.

listening to tracy chapman sing this song as i sit at my computer,
the melancholy grabs me.
and i reflect...

Done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
Done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
At this point in my life

If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see it’s been a hard road the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

At this point in my life
Although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Won’t you put your faith in me
We both know that’s what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try

You see I’ve been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high always losing ground
You see I’ve been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I’ve seen and all I’ve done
The things I’d like to forget
At this point in my life

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
You see when I’ve touched the sky
The earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life

At this point in my life

lori speaks from the heart.

I've experienced a landslide of sorts in the past while, crashing into re-assessing 14 years of thinking I needed Prozac to handle life, using cider as a crutch to further numb the fears, the lack of direction and the loss of knowing who I was anymore...I guess I could blame it on my 'at home' years, but really, it had alot more to do with not wanting to be a grown up than anything else. And I doubt much less than a total erosion of my ability to cope could have caused me to face the reality of my own reflection.

There's alot of advantages in refusing to face yourself. It excuses the past, it makes the present seem easier, it makes the future avoidable - but my experience has been that God allows landslides in our lives in order to bring about change. Circumstances that cause us to look fully at our reflections and consider how we're handling the seasons of our lives.

read the whole blog here.

jordon sums it up.

Brian McLaren pushes back at his critics. I have posted a short part of his critique but the entire post is worth reading and is applicable to more than his books but offer up a framework for dialog in a many areas of study.

When people who claim to love the Bible launch unfair, inaccurate, unreflective, and mean-spirited attacks, especially when they do so on a public and international forum like the internet, they are not only hurting me and sometimes my readers (which they may not care about) – they may also be hurting the cause of Christ (which they do care about). After all, the Bible clearly says we must not bear false witness, spread rumors, or indulge in uncharitable or unwholesome speech. It says we should do to others as they do to us and act justly. It asserts that our love for one another reflects on the credibility of our message. It tells us we should examine ourselves and look at obstructions our own eyes (which would include flaws in our own viewpoint or perspective) before we try to perform eye surgery on someone else. This kind of behavior among people who claim to love the Bible, Jesus, Christianity, orthodoxy, and truth brings dishonor on these very things.

While his response is fair and appropriate I can't help but thinking that his critics are not genuine critics at all but a section of society and sadly the church that needs an enemy to define themselves by. The fiercest critics of Brian that I know, haven't read his books. The emerging church and Brian McLaren provide that enemy. The emerging church because it is a label and having a label makes it easy to... well... label someone with. Brian McLaren is a good enemy because... well... I am not sure why he makes a good enemy because many of us like him. I do suspect it has something to do with Brian's questioning of how we have seen the church. Not that others haven't done it but I think it is a combination of being articulate, approachable, and the some parts of the church feeling as if it is at the top of the game and to have someone questioning that is quite a challenge.

i've done it, we all have - to something or someone for a moment of pleasure or glory.

i recall years ago when i walked by a "pepsi challenge" booth in the mall in moose jaw, knowing i could tell the difference in the taste (pepsi sucks), but wondering whether or not i should pick the pepsi just to get on tv. i still chuckle when i consider how cheaply i was willing to give away my beliefs.

i am tempted to sell out in other ways as well. as a pastor i found i had to sell out to the pettiness of people - convince myself to enjoy the company of individuals i would never associate with, given the choice. there were so many occasions when i held my tongue when in reality i wanted to be far more honest with people than was expedient. some people really needed to be told off, and i desperately wanted to do it. but i would not. a few people needed a butt kicking too.

i often say that i'm willing to sell out, it's just that no one is buying right now...

in it's sickest manifestations i've seen those who would say anything to win an argument, impress a friend or associate. there are those who play the political game to serve some obscure end. they will say or do anything to impress the right people. they are willing to compartmentalize their integrity. they live a double life in the name of getting what they desire.

people who know me know that i am not very good at playing political games. my past bishop and also one of my old accountability partners would berate me for not learning to "play the game better." they argued that i could accomplish more from within the system than from without. and they were probably right.

the problem is that i just can't seem to prostitute myself to win. i know that sounds arrogant but i don't mean it to be. perhaps i'm just genetically predisposed against 'playing well with others'. maybe i'm just an ass. either way, it is almost incomprehensible for me to keep up the facade for any length of time. as a normal pastor i tried my best to be politically savy. usually, however, i fell miserably short of the mark.

there are people i could easily impress. there are platitudes i could make here that would demonstrate my humility and remorse for things i really don't feel guilty about, things i am not even guilty of. it is easy for me to write whatever tickles the ears. it is also hard for me to write. i could put smiley faces :) and quote scripture. i could use religious jargon and email false confessions. i could have a vision to two. maybe a dream. speak in king james.

i don't think so.

Myself by Edgar Albert Guest
I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done .

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
The kind of person I really am,
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
that I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.

Hill$ong

too funny... and sad

i told my mom i wanted to be born again. she told me that would tear her apart.