returning in october to a rock and roll venue close to home...

my business partner came home with this last night. let the games begin.
55 pounds an hour.

it is very easy to talk about bitterness in the third person. i have always been good at theory. it's harder to identify and deal with issues in my own life. i'm really decent at pointing out the big stories and truths of christianity, even life. i'm not as good at dealing with them.

lately i notice that i am still bitter. i could not admit this to myself for a long time. there was that whole forgiveness thing. that letting go thing. and in many ways i have been able to let most things go. it is easier for me than some others because i'm pretty much an altzheimer's patient when it comes to remembering events. but still, somehow, there are things and people i have not adequately dealt with.


it is easy to spew out religious platitudes and preach fluffy blogs about "onward to the future". some days i even believe that stuff. but lately i have noticed that when certain topics come up, especially with regard to church, i am negative and sound bitter. i didn't think i was, until i heard myself talk. lately it has been easier to gossip and complain than to seek the positive. clearly i still have undeniable issues that are more complex than i had assumed. there are hurts that do not heal on their own; betrayals that do not go away. as much as one pretends they do not exist, they are merely simmering under the surface.

i notice that i like to engage in pity parties, from time to time. to rail against the injustices that i believe i have endured. like many of us i find that there are copious opportunities to take cheap shots at my detractors. conversations can easily include my "concerns" about others actions or lack thereof. there are opportunities a plenty to rant about those who have hurt me. staying bitter and petty is the easiest thing in the world. especially when you know other people still love to talk. like they say, it's only paranoia if they aren't really out to get you.

and i can cloak so much in religious crap - my concerns for 'the kingdom' and those who are doing a poor job at serving it - cheap little backroom conversations about leaders and past friends who simply will not grow up.

i realize i am still angry at people and situations, as painful as it is to admit. like many religious types i talk loudly about issues like forgiveness and grace but do not extend it to those who piss me off. i love to forgive those who don't really need it. forgiveness is easy when it allows me to condescend to that pathetic person who begs. it's another thing altogether when i have to forgive someone that does not ask for it. that does not care.

it's easy to act humble. it's another thing to be humble.

alot of people have been asking me how things are going now that i'm married and still only partially employed. so here's an update.

1. annette is amazing.

2. i have several non-paying jobs:
- i have a little computer business (it's amazing how cheap you can make a computer when you have a dealer's license)
- am starting a wholesale roastery in september (fair trade/organic/social activist)
- i am spec'ing out a mobile d.j business
- still consulting at landmark
- still working with the club (relocating)
- am doing some marketing for a local company
- still working with clubchurch (campout this weekend)

3. have 3 great kids though one of them likes to get up at an ungodly hour

4. we have a new puppy from hell. down satan...

5. spending time renoing (a year and counting)

6. pretending to care if we keep the black spatula vs. the white spatula...

jayson hooked me up with the sweatshop game. disturbing.

i have been spending a great deal of time with a new business partner. we come from different worlds. we believe in different things. we have made different lifestyle decisions. often we laugh about how things look. both his world and mine would be quick to judge, quick to condemn our partnership. but it works.

i like him. i believe he likes me. we do not get into debates about the nuances of our differing lifestyles. we both clearly know the boundaries and there is a great deal of mutual respect. and we have found that what we have in common is greater than what we do not.

some time ago he told me about having a myriad of run-ins with local christians who blatantly ostracized his business because they did not agree with his life choices. recently he shared that his friends would be very surprised to find out he went into business with a minister, albeit a fake one. he has felt the condemnation of fundamentalism, devoid of concern or understanding. he has commented about the judgmentalism, the narrow-mindedness, the rebuke without the dialogue. he wonders how christians can consider themselves more moral, when his experience dictates otherwise. he has questioned the premise that christians serve the community for altruistic reasons. he questions how much of a difference religion makes in the world. so do i. like i said, we have much in common.


i find it startling how easy it is to talk about issues of faith with people who would never darken the door of a church. people might think this is because i am a natural extrovert, or perhaps i have many hours of "evangelism" training. i do, but find most of what i have learned is beyond meaningless, it is insulting. people do not need to be evangelized. they need to be heard. within the context of true friendship it is easy to share what you believe. frankly my friend is not a project. it is not my desire to lure him in. i could care less if he comes to my church. he is my friend.

and perhaps that is why it is so easy to talk about what i believe in.

"honk if you believe i'm jesus"

seems like i'm always in transition. many people go about their lives for seemingly long portions of time without significant change. that has rarely been my experience. i often envy the stability of a normal life until i ponder what exactly a "normal" life would look like.

who has a normal life?

right now i'm three weeks into a life sentence (only kidding honey) the club is in transition, my work is in transition, my friends are even in transition. annette is moving in and the house is in transition. we have a new puppy whose bowels are evidently in transition. nathan just got back from treeplanting, is considering a full-time job but is in transition. we are transitioning the basement suite into an apartment (i call it the love-nasium) for annette and i. matthew and ben are both in new bedrooms. life is about transition.

i used to think there would come a time when the transitions would cease and life would become predictably boring. but like many things in life, such an existence always seems just over the horizon. life is change. relationships and families and jobs, churches and friends. change on a grand scale. some days it makes me long for life on the farm (that is until i consider how quickly i would take a rifle to the co-op if i actually had to live on a farm). i cannot imagine what it would be like to have one job for several decades. living in such a transitional state has rendered me too attention-deficit to go to the same job year after year without putting my head in the paper cutter. many people abhor change. i thrive on it.

i must admit, though, that the older i get the more value i see in stability. in balance. there is integrity in obligation. living in chaos year after year is hardly living at all. so much time is spent in reacting that there is rarely opportunity to stop and enjoy the fruits of one's labor. in my own life i have come to realize that i usually never stop to bask in anything. there is always another adventure that is calling, another hurdle to overcome.

i know that i need to live in the moment more. to understand the value of this time without regard to the multitude of schemes that constantly brew on the back burner. to appreciate what is happening now. to sit and laugh over wedding photos. to get in a quick game of crib with annette. to take matt to the pool. to go for coffee with nate. to play some music with ben. to play with the puppy.

but there is so much to do. like they said in that great philosophical classic smokey and the bandit, "we got a long way to go and a short time to get there".

but then again, won't we always?

annette decided to buy my children's love.



it worked

for the first time, in what seems like forever, i can begin to see the future in a positive light. there are opportunities and events on the horizon, there are good days ahead and journeys to be made with incredible friends.

but it is hard to let go of negativity. i love to wear it like a cloak. even as i regard the good, i long to hold on to the fear and the pain. there is something familiar, comforting, in bitterness. it affords focus and vision for your life.

being wounded is so much a part of who i am that i am not altogether comfortable with wholeness. there is nothing to pity, no sad stories to bemoan. people do not feel sorry for you anymore. in some sense there is a feeling of loss. it is hard to walk without a crutch when you have grown to depend on the propping.



i have a wonderful wife. amazing. fantastic kids. a great step-kid. awesome friends. enough to eat. a new project that is exciting. a good life. i hate to admit it, but i'm happy for the first time in years. no great tragedies to cry for. no suicidal thoughts. no stunning pain. those who care about me are supportive. those who pretend to care have begun to fade from my life. i no longer receive seemingly countless negative emails. life goes on. i get to sleep in sunday mornings.

many of us walk with a limp. but at least we're back in the race.

doesn't mean i won't still whine though.

i got up this morning and no one cooked me a 30 course buffet breakfast, took my plate, or seated me by the caribbean. reality sucks!

(i was sick as a dog when this photo was taken...)
nice pic of annette here.